March 30, 2015
NOTE: This Article is intended as Satire
UCCS has announced plans to offer a groundbreaking new program that will allow students to learn the procedures of accelerated parking lot construction, and will offer labs on campus for students to practice and implement their skills.
While the specifics of the program have yet to be divulged, program director Tim Rice did say UCCS would be the first university in the world to implement the very specific program.
“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in calls for this type of knowledge,” Rice said. “We need people who can efficiently complete parking projects.”
The university also announced that they would be pushing to begin the program on an accelerated basis. Representatives said they hope to begin the program by the summer semester at the latest.
The new program would also provide mandatory labs where students would be allowed to purchase their own tools and equipment in order to demonstrate their construction skills on an undisclosed area of the campus.
Additionally, unpaid internships would be created where the students could apply their knowledge of parking lot construction in real-world scenarios.
Opponents have stated that the hidden purpose of the program is to force students to construct much needed parking lots on campus without being paid.
Theodore Ruxpin, a sophomore knitting major, is one of these opponents.
“How is this even legal?” Ruxpin said. “This is even worse than when they implemented majors, internships, and labs in the field of ‘university landscaping engineering’ and ‘physics of snow shoveling.’”
Junior Tara Nova, midair basket weaving major, refuted those allegations.
“I don’t see how anyone can have a problem with this new program,” Nova said. “It’s a perfectly valid major for those who wish to go into… what was the major again? Oh right, parking lot construction or something.”
Nova also addressed the concern that the major was created in order to exploit student labor.
“I find these accusations insulting to say the least,” Nova said. “Ten students took part in our ‘physics of snow shoveling’ major, and I know for a fact that many of them successfully found occupations in fields such as ‘asking their parent’s friends if they needed help shoveling their driveways in the winter.’”
This major is a prelude to another planned major: “Engineering of library computer repair and maintenance or whatever.”