April 1, 2018
Following complications and long lines for spring 2018 class registration last semester, UCCS will now require students to battle for a seat in their classes in an MMA-style match. The match replaces registration through the UCCS portal for the fall semester.
On April 1, students from the Colleges of Engineering and Education fought fist to textbook in the Registration Thunder Bowl from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. in the Gallogly Events Center. The remaining departments will fight event every weekend until the end of the month.
“This is really the only logical option,” said the dean of academic registration, Wyhatt Goforit. “It was so much work keeping the students under control. Why fight nature?”
Competitors were allowed to use whatever they could find in their backpacks along with items strewn about the court, including calculators, protractors and longboards.
A textbook to the back of the head took out Ima Wuss, a freshman goldfish education major, after only two minutes into the competition.
“It was horrifying. The moment they blew the whistle everything became a blur. Chairs and textbooks were flying everywhere. I thought I had a chance,” said Wuss from his hospital bed.
“Now I’m stuck taking Ethics 2222 on Friday night instead of Wednesday afternoon. My social life is officially ruined.”
Noma Mercy, a junior blender bike engineering major, was the last student standing after Sunday’s event. She boldly clutched her rotractor as she yelled out to the crowd, “Back off! I’m going to graduate! Don’t come any closer!”
Mercy is ecstatic that she will be able to graduate on time. She is grateful that she was able to defend her degree instead of depending on the school.
“I have friends that have to take an extra year of classes because their advisers made a mistake. Now, that isn’t going to happen to me,” she said.
The university raised $2 million through donations from local donors who were invited to attend on the first day of the event. According to Chancellor Runcat Teddy, it is estimated that the school will have raised $10 million by the end of the month.
“The money we raised at this event greatly exceeded our expectations,” said chancellor Runcat Teddy. “I think that we hit the jackpot on this one.”
The dean of the college of education, Veraly Nartin Fondley, believes that the Registration Thunder Bowl will revolutionize education.
“We always tell students to wait their turn. What if that has been wrong this whole time? Students who have mastered their classes will naturally out do the students who have been slacking off. Natural selection has finally reached the classroom,” she said.
The university originally planned to hold the event in the brand new Ent Center for The Arts. They changed their plans after the leaders of the Ent Center expressed their concerns.
Artsy Lartsy, director of the Ent Center was against holding the event in the building.
“No,” she said. “We have marble in the bathrooms; we can’t get blood on that. It would completely ruin the aesthetic.”
Student opinion to the idea has been mixed. Chaz Macenson, a junior meme analysis major, is excited to participate.
“I missed out on an elective I really wanted to take this semester. It made me want to punch someone in the face, and now I can. It’s a dream come true really.” Macenson said.
A group of students plans to stage a sit-in at the Academic Advising office to protest the change.
Protest organizer, Luca Duka, a senior bio-political science major, believes that the university administrators were unwise when they chose to move forward with the registration change.
“This is insane! You can’t have students fight like gladiators over the classes they need! We intend to stay in the academic advising office until the school returns to its senses,” he said.
Teddy called plans for the protest “cute” and stated his support for their expression of their first amendment rights.
He also announced that after the massive success of the first day of the Registration Thunder Bowl, the university is considering getting rid of academic advising altogether.
“Academic Advising is clearly a waste of time and money. With the money we can save on the advisors’ salaries, we can invest in a new stadium for future Registration Thunder Bowls. We only want the best for our students,” said Teddy.