Leave the ‘Taken’ monologue out: worst ways to pick up someone on Tinder

February 14, 2017

Hannah Harvey

hharvey@uccs.edu

     Oh, Tinder.

     My days swiping left on every man holding a large, clearly dead fish in his arms on the back of a boat were short-lived but, nonetheless, filled with hilarity.

     Young people are increasingly using dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and even messaging people through their Instagram direct messages to get a date. For our generation, it’s as simple as “Netflix and chill.”

     A total of 15 percent of American adults reported that they used an online dating service, according to a 2016 study conducted by the Pew Research Center.

     Between the 18-24-year-old demographic, 27 percent reported that they used an online dating service in 2015, a figure that’s increased by 17 percent since 2013.

     People are also entering relationships with someone they meet off the apps more frequently. Of those same adults in the 18-24-year-old demographic, 34 percent report that they know someone who has entered in a long-term relationship via swiping right or sending a flirty message, according to the same Pew Research Center study.

     Tinder can be a great place to meet your potential soulmate or even just someone to pass the time with at a restaurant downtown for a couple hours this Valentine’s Day.

     Looking back, the sometimes ridiculous ways that people tried to impress me makes me grateful that I have a wonderful man to spend Valentine’s Day with this year.

     But if you’re still on Tinder, you know the sentiment rings true: your messages can prove to be as interesting and stress-inducing as meeting the dude who identifies as a “pain management enthusiast” (if you’re catching my drift) for the first time.

     While I never went on a date with anybody I talked to on the app, I did find my messages to be hilarious. Rarely did I message someone myself. But what I found is that there’s a specific way that interactions start after you both swipe right.

     If you’re new to Tinder, here’s a tip: sending your prospective date the opening monologue from “Taken” may not convey your intentions well.

     “I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you. And I will kill you.” Imagine reading this on a casual Saturday night. I don’t think anybody would be welcome to the thought of having pasta with you at Olive Garden if you started off like this.

     First impressions are obviously important; if you start off by offering me a heaping plate of pasta on our first date, it might just do wonders for you. But this doesn’t apply to suggesting the idea of your Kia Altima catching on fi re in the parking lot of an Olive Garden.

     Yes, suggesting that you’ll pick someone up in your car to take him or her to an Olive Garden parking lot to reveal 100 lit candles in the trunk that will eventually lead to your car bursting into flames is not a good idea, even if you follow up with how you’ll save them with your heroism.

     Trust me; I know from experience.

     But hypothetical grand gestures aren’t the only method you should avoid on Tinder. Casual pickup lines should be avoided too, especially if your topic involves certain areas of the body and how these areas may present themselves in sweatpants.

     “If you like window shopping then you’ll love me.”

     I’ll leave that quote up for interpretation. The lesson, though, should be crystal clear: you will be blocked if you pull something like this with a prospective date. Bragging about yourself, using cheesy lines and failing to actually care about a real conversation won’t contribute to your success.

     But sometimes it’s thinking outside of the box that gets you into trouble too. In my bio, I stated that I liked cheesy inspirational quotes (ironically, of course), and my interaction with one guy proved to be my downfall.

     “‘Text Adam at 720-XXXXXXX’ – Mahatma Ghandi.’”

     While this got a few laughs from me, it didn’t end up working out. The reasons should be obvious. (Note: the name has been changed to save embarrassment.)

     Hopefully, your tinder experience works out for the better. Don’t take anything, or yourself, too seriously on the app. You might just find your soulmate to share pasta with in an Olive Garden parking lot.