Amazon becomes President-Elect due to Christmas shopping sales

Devon Martinez

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Editor’s Note: This article is satire. 

     In a surprise win, Amazon is now the President-Elect. The Seattle-based company won based on the number of Christmas shopping sales the company accumulated on Election Day. Millions of Americans are puzzled by this decision, and several UCCS students feel guilty because they contributed to this unforeseen victory. 

     “I never thought that purchasing a gift for my mother would give this gigantic company more power,” said junior economics major and Amazon Prime member David Jolly. “I voted for Joe Biden. I did not mean to be a part of the problem to lead to this new corporate president.”  

     Jolly is not the only UCCS student working through their hypocrisy. The leader of the Anti-Amazon Corporation Club, Janet Social, admitted earlier this week that she spent $1,000 on random objects, including 20 Echo Dots. Unfortunately, this Amazon binge purchase session occurred on Election Day.  

     Embarrassed by her hypocrisy, she declined an interview, but several members of her club came to her defense. According to the members, the binge purchasing session Social went through is one of the reasons she started the club. It is a haven for people who hate Amazon but cannot stop purchasing from the company.  

     Amazon Prime Student membership, they argue, is a great and convenient deal, but its existence destroys small businesses while giving Amazon more power.  

     “Just like all binges, this one strikes at the lowest moments for people,” said senior shopping bag major and anti-Amazon Corporation Club Vice President Michael Harris. “I am a larger hypocrite than our dear president. I have had three binges in the past week as I attempt to deal with the harsh realities of an Amazon presidency.” 

     Other UCCS students are confused about how Amazon became president. Research conducted by The Scribble found that 10 years ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are considered people. Since then, Amazon has slowly gained power while putting their name into several key elections. And in 2020, no one noticed that they became a major political candidate.  

     “This was the perfect year for Amazon to do this,” said Christmas holiday professor James Prime. “A year of distress in the political, social and economic structures in America provided an opening for this company to gain more power.” 

     This was also a surprise because the recount pursued by President Donald Trump ended in an Amazon win. Trump conceded right away and claimed he was right along about a fraudulent election, since Biden was not the winner.  

     Biden released a statement that provided kind words to Amazon. He also said that fans of “Blade Runner” have a lot to look forward to with a corporation having complete control of the highest office in America.  

     So far, Kanye West is the only candidate that will not concede his loss, arguing that his Yeezy shoes outdid Amazon’s Christmas sales on Election Day. 

Graphic created by Jack Lusk.