Ahh, Valentine’s Day.
Enough romantic context — let’s get to the goods. It’s challenging to set up a first date because there’s all this pressure to get it right. Fortunately, we go to a campus where the architectural layout is so stunningly mediocre and nonsensical that your date is definitely not going to look at the buildings instead of you.
Let’s rank these first date locations. I’m assigning judgment based on not having to explain myself in the article introduction.
1. Clyde’s
Fine. Smells like fries even when it’s closed (not necessarily an issue). Food’s pretty good. Overall, you can do better, at least for a date. 6/10.
2. Cafe 65
Why they chose to make the chairs jaundiced frog green is beyond me. Warm lighting, and that’s all I got. Don’t take anybody up here for a first date. Third date, maybe. 4/10.
3. Third floor seating area
Corporate and stark. Also haunted, so I’m told. Except no building on this campus (except Main Hall) is haunted because nowhere (except Main Hall) is old or atmospheric enough for any self-respecting ghost to hang out there. If you take anyone up here for a date, you’re a business major and I have nothing to say to you. 2/10.
4. Weird pendulum thing in Osborne
Not a lot of seating in this image, and I have less to say to engineers than I do to business majors. You could stand and watch the pendulum swing around, I guess. 3/10.
5. Berger Hall
This is kinda fun. If you look closely, you can see the tiny little disco ball that I guess they just keep in there. It’d be nice to have a dance for yourselves in a room with a disco ball. 8/10.
6. Weird little cubby thing in the library
This is not private or comfortable enough for any kind of date. It looks like first class on an airplane, which is good for an airplane but not good for the ground. 2/10.
7. Classroom with math still on the board
Yuck. -7/10.
8. The Great God, Pan, over by the dorms
Known party animal and encourager of crazy behavior. Depends on the kind of date you want to have. Conditional/10.
9. A mostly empty parking lot
There is nothing hotter than a UCCS parking lot that is almost completely empty. There are so many possibilities here: drive around, drive around some more or, best of all, park your car in a parking spot. 11/10.
Graphic via The Scribe archives.