SATIRE | CU system in turmoil (or is it?) after women students granted one wish for International Women’s Day  

UCCS is in uproar following the Regent’s decision to grant every woman on each CU campus one wish for International Women’s Day, in honor of “diversity, equity and inclusion.” 

The decision was revealed at 9 a.m. on March 8, when the whole student body was forcibly gathered for the announcement outside of Main Hall by three male representatives from the Regents. Upon immediately being asked by the crowd to define “woman,” the regents looked momentarily stricken, before huddling together and talking for a moment. After five minutes, one of them, visibly sweating, stood up and said, “Whatever you want! It’s a holiday.”  

The wish requests began pouring in, and after processing began, new limits were imposed: such wishes as “peace on earth,” “an end to tyranny” and “raising wages on campus” were all immediately vetoed, accompanied by an official statement explaining, “Some things are simply beyond our control.” 

The chaos began as soon as the wishes were granted. The entire campus was immediately overrun by a giant stampede of dogs, with other animals occasionally thrown in. One of the dorm buildings in Alpine crumbled to the ground, as it turned out every single woman residing there had wished for it to collapse.  

Wish patterns were impossible to track, other than the dogs. They ranged from new cars to vacation tickets, specialty coffee to obscure vodka, pancakes to significant others. A team of sociology majors was dispatched to deal with the sudden influx of random adults spontaneously appearing on the lawn that had previously never existed on earth.   

Multiple types of medicine appeared on the sidewalk outside of Columbine in mass quantities, from ibuprofen to epi pens, and what looked suspiciously like a cure for cancer buried under several bricks of cocaine.  

“It turns out they all wished for different things based on individual preferences, rather than sticking to certain categories,” said Regent Hugh McMann, trying to dodge the next wave of dogs. “It’s almost like their individual experiences couldn’t be defined by just one thing. We couldn’t have predicted this.”  

When a reporter who was also trying to dodge the dogs asked what they could possibly have predicted that would be different from what they got, McMann looked down at his feet and muttered something along the lines of, “I was thinking makeup and stuff, but I probably shouldn’t say that.” He was immediately overrun by the dogs and unaccountably, a giraffe, but is predicted to make a full recovery.  

The campus has been recovering from the onslaught of wishes, some of which have been easier to deal with and some of which have actually benefited campus, such as the suddenly unified building design wished for by an art student. The dogs have been mostly tracked down, and one woman wished for the lawns to be clean again after the Regents fell to their knees and begged her to help them out.  

The rest of the wishes are being dealt with on a case-by-case basis, and most are being honored, which is good because they can pry my new pet highland cow out of my cold, dead hands.

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