Satire | I got no weed on 4/20

     Hello, my name is Devon “Purple Haze” Martinez. This is my letter to the Scribble editor — if y’all even have one, because most articles have at least one grammar mistake or an AP style mistake. I know you can do better.  


     It is a disgrace that we as a nation only have one day to celebrate the beautiful plant called marijuana. The green stuff that makes all the nightmares go away. The medicine that can also be used for fun. One day to celebrate is not enough.  

     Yes, of course, I am talking about 4/20. The jokes are all there. It’s the hippie holiday that non-pot smokers like to reference for its darker history when attacking the beautiful drug. The joke used to be funny but it’s not anymore.  

     But in a weird way, I agree with them despite their brainless take. It is the wrong date for this holiday. You know why? Because we can’t just have one day to celebrate it. This year it occurred on a Wednesday, the one day of the week that I have classes from 7:20 a.m. to 7:20 p.m., that is not cool. What the hell?  

      I woke up an hour before my first class and rushed to get ready. How am I supposed to get ready and smoke a giant joint within an hour? I can’t. No one can. Weed and leaving the house takes at least three hours to complete.  

     In class, I saw red eyes. Burning. They were smiling as well. They must have had time to smoke before class. So, stop pointing your fingers. My alarm didn’t go off when it was supposed to; theirs did. The universe hates me.  

      Anyways, I had another class and saw more people with smiles on their stupid faces, thinking they’re so cool because they got to enjoy the holiday.  

     The same thing happened throughout the rest of my terrible day. Finally, at 7:20 p.m., I was leaving campus and on my way home. I was so giddy until I realized that it didn’t matter what time I had woken up earlier; I was out of weed. There was no way for me to smoke anyways.  

     I had to go to one of the many stores outside of Colorado Springs, since I didn’t have a red card in order for me to smoke at any of the medical places in the Springs. Recreational marijuana is illegal in the Springs since our city council is dumb.  

     And if you didn’t know that, I just want to remind you about how dumb you are. Also, I hope you have empathy for me and all stoners without red cards, because if you didn’t, that would make you a terrible person.  

      I went to Emerald Fields Dispensary in Manitou Springs, but the line was 200 feet long. I asked a manager about the wait time, and it was two hours. They would be closed by then. So, I went across the street to Maggie’s farm; the line was longer, and it also closed at the same time. WTF.  

      In a panic, I decided to travel to Pueblo since that’s the closest city that has weed. My favorite place is on the outskirts: Strawberry Fields. It has better prices than the Manitou places. I knew that if I went there instead that I’d end up happier and with more weed. The drive may be longer, but saving money is great.  

      You would never believe it but when I got there … they were closed. It was 9:06 p.m. when I pulled up and they closed at 9:04 p.m. since all places in Pueblo close at 9:04 p.m. now, thanks to UCCS chancellor Jeff Bezos’ decree last month.  

     I am just here to complain and let the Scribble editors know that the school needs to do something about this problem. Stoners are being oppressed by not having access to legal weed within city limits. It is more than stressful, especially when the holiday is only one day a week.  

     All I ask is that the Scribble extend 4/20 to multiple days and legalize recreational marijuana in Colorado Springs. If you don’t give in to my demands, I’ll sue the paper. I heard others have tried to sue, but I’ll be the first to succeed.