Satire: Jeff Bezos is cancelled, no longer chancellor

     The last year at UCCS was insane. We don’t have to list the reasons why, since we are not a real news agency here at the Scribble. Just read one of the five links somewhere in this article to find out why because I/we are too lazy to explain.  


     The news story: Jeff Bezos is no longer our chancellor and has no financial power over UCCS after selling the school to an unnamed buyer. His decision came after several activist groups tried to storm his office on a late Tuesday afternoon sometime in the last month.  

     Bezos allegedly knew that several students would storm his office one day. He had an inkling after learning that no one at the school liked him. He credits taking the job as a solution to get more people to like him again. 

     “When I was a young boy, my father he took me to the city and he told me that if I made massive profits that I took for only myself that most people would accept and love me,” Bezos said in a statement. “Turns out most people just think you’re selfish. So, why not own it playa? Also, I sold UCCS. Lol. Good luck finding someone as great as me.” 

     So, because he knew his office was going to be stormed, he decided to build several underground “rockets” in Colorado Springs, using the same technology from his company, “Blue Origin.”  

     The students had no idea. The leader of the raid to storm the office, senior sandwich major Johnathon Subway, believes that it was a setup from the start.  

     “Someone in our raid is a rat. Do you know what a rat is? It’s a creature that will sell itself and everything else around it for the easy dollar,” he said. “And that’s exactly what someone in our group did.”  

     Despite the failed attempt to capture Bezos, Subway is excited to know that the effort to take out Bezos was easy as both sides of the political spectrum hate the man.  

      “Bezos is the billionaire that no one likes. I’m very far left, and I normally can’t stand anyone on the right, but half the people with me labeled themselves as conservatives,” Subway said. “We have more in common than we thought. All it took was the shared hatred of an evil billionaire to realize this, if only everyone else realized that.” 

     Without Bezos, the school does not have any leadership as the previous leadership was all owned by Bezos. Even the horse and buggy services have been cancelled since they were horses made in an Amazon factory.  

      The school has been a mess with leadership. Now, imagine what it would look like without leadership. I mean, in the past month, classes were canceled due to professors partying in the game room, UCCS sports moved online due to COVID-22 and this year’s Armadillo race was hosted virtually.  

     Now, we head into the fall with no leader to bless us with their wisdom. Despite our leader not having any real wisdom, at least he had money to purchase cool things that we never got to use.  

     Goodbye, Jeff Bezos.