Satire | Military bases legalize weed; city council says, ‘no, no, no’

     The Colorado Springs City Council refuses to legalize weed within city limits despite the military bases surrounding the city legalizing it.  

     The announcement last week was a surprise. I cried when I found out, and then cried when I learned that you had to be military to purchase at the bases. Every military base in the area, including Fort Carson, Peterson Space Force Base, Jeff Bezos’ military camp and the Cheyenne Mountain Military Base now has the drug available at ridiculously low prices.  

     You can get an ounce for $19.99, and you can buy as much as two ounces a day. WTF.  

     In the announcement, military commander Johnson Johnson said the decision came after they decided that soldiers and military staff alike need something to calm down — a distraction from this cruel, twisted world. And what better way than a joint after dinner.  

     “I think at this point more than 80% of military personnel has consumed the substance and more than 90% of the civilian population has smoked,” Johnson said. “It’s not that big of a deal — it’s a lot safer to use. A lot safer than what we’ve put our soldiers through for the past 300 years. I think I might light a joint after I’m done writing this LOL.” 

     When the Scribble emailed him to see if he thinks Colorado Springs will legalize the drug, Johnson said, “No, LOL that city’s lame.” 

     The City Council has stood strong in their stance against legalizing the drug, ignoring all the emails I have sent them in the past week. Please. Please just respond to me. I am pleading.  

     “You can’t have Marijuana legal when UCCS is in existence,” Councilwoman Janet Janet said. “The school is a place of chaos and destruction. The students at the universities don’t care about anyone else but themselves. That’s why we can’t trust them with this drug. I mean, their chancellor is Jeff Bezos.” 

     The Scribble made a plea to the Council in a 5,000-word email, and they have yet to respond.  

     In it I said, “As a stoner and a writer I must share that I find you, the city council, to be made up of swine. A bunch of jerks who are unable to leave your fancy offices so you can really understand what it’s like to have to travel to Pueblo or Denver to find decent prices for grass. Have you been to Manitou?”  

     In an unsurprising move, the City Council decided to respond to literally every single person but me. They even responded to Johnson.  

     “It is absurd that Johnson Johnson believes that this is the safest thing that military personnel can do, because marijuana kills more people than war does. You can check this out on our website:,” they said in their long and tiring email.  

    All I really want is for them to email me back. This article is just a cry for help.