Satire: Student rally on Sandwich Day claims to have cure for COVID-19

Devon “Grilled Chicken Sandwich” Martinez 

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     After last year’s successful Sandwich Day celebration, where students crossed the political divide, several UCCS students worked and succeeded in having another safe Sandwich Day on Nov. 3.  

     The students argue that sandwiches are the driving force behind everything great in America.  

     The day included the same events from the previous year, such as the sandwich dunking competition, the breakfast sandwich race on the West Lawn and several history lessons on the global diversity of sandwiches.  

     There was also a rally this year as some students believe that the power of sandwiches can cure COVID-19, -20 and -21. 

     “Sandwiches are love and love is the solution for COVID,” said senior sandwich education major Jamie Cheesesteak. “Conversative, liberals, independents and idiots all have the power to work together and end this virus once and for all. And we can do it with sandwiches this time.”  

     And Cheesesteak is right; students from every political background believe that Sandwich Day was the tide to reverse this whole COVID-19 situation. Over 2,000 UCCS students were at the rally carrying both signs and sandwiches high in the air.  

     “I may be a libertarian leaning conservative, but I’ll go full communist for these sandwiches,” said senior Austrian-sandwich major Ryan Turkey Club. “I don’t care; sandwiches are and should be for everyone. Especially since they are the only solution to COVID-19.”  

     Sandwich activism is on the rise for these reasons, and it dominated this Sandwich Day unlike previous ones.  

     There are some voices at UCCS concerned about the sandwich COVID-19 rhetoric, since there have been no major studies to prove that sandwiches can do anything to prevent the virus and were originally only created as a meal for horses.  

     “The student rhetoric is dangerous,” said Chancellor Jeff Bezos. “Amazon does not sell any sandwiches; there is no way I can make money off this. And if I cannot make money, then parking fees will go up. You can guarantee that.”  

     As a response, students funded their own study to investigate sandwiches and COVID-19. Luckily for the students, almost every sandwich science major believes that it can be the cure. Sandwiches, according to the sandwich science department, are required for lunch at least five days a week. 

     Sandwiches are so important to this department that they closed during the week of Sandwich Day. No one votes in this department since elections occur the same week, and they view sandwiches as being above all else.  

     “We are still in the midst of studying how sandwiches can cure COVID,” said junior sandwich epidemiology major Roast Beef Sandwich. “We will know the truth by December, because that’s when we will be done with our trials and whatever.”  

     CORRECTION: This article has been flagged for plagiarism. The reporter, Devon “Grilled Chicken Sandwich” Martinez, stole from the previous article written by our other Scribble reporter Devon Martinez. 

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