SATIRE | UCCS students and faculty wash cars on campus to pay for parking permits 

Amid rising prices on campus, students and faculty members occupied the bottom level of the gateway garage on Oct. 5th to create a makeshift car wash space to help pay for parking permits. Walking down the sidewalk adjacent to the Academic Office Building, there were cars visibly lined up for miles, weaving around the parking lots and roundabouts.  

In response to the rising prices, especially for parking permits, faculty and students found it prudent to join forces and pool their collective skill for washing vehicles in their downtime in order to make some more capital.  

“Washing cars is sort of a passion of mine. I’m sort of like the Walter White of professors at UCCS, but without the cooking of crystal meth,” said associate chemistry professor Gregory Heisenberg.  

Heisenberg, in response to questions about the nature of his last name, had no comment.  

The prices for car washes varied from $5 for a simple rinse down to $100 for a full wash, wax and detail — owners of Teslas on campus promptly took advantage of the latter. The group of faculty and students who created the charity drive, who go by the name Clean Cars for UCCS (CCUCCS), formed the group this semester and already have over two hundred members.  

“I wanted to be a part of a team that took these prices seriously and who wanted to find a solution to them. Washing cars seemed to be the best idea and we have proudly raised enough money to pay for one faculty member’s parking pass,” said sophomore Mark McKracken before promptly yelling “Cannonball!” and jumping into a kiddie pool filled with water and Ajax.  

As the cars weaved through the seemingly endless line, ticket takers walking up and down the sidewalk like at a local Chick-Fil-A, promptly taking peoples’ orders for what kind of car wash they would prefer. Those who had made their way through the line proudly complimented CCUCCS for their expertise in car washing.  

“My car had never been cleaner! I saw a student clean the lug nuts on my wheels with a toothbrush and Formula 409. If they have another car wash drive, I will return. Great prices, five stars,” said former GAF council member Hippa Crite, who previously denounced water use for washing vehicles on campus.  

The car wash was not only a time to make money for students and faculty suffering from high prices, but to create a sense of community between the two disjointed groups.  

“Our goal was not only to make money, but to get to know our students a little better, and what better way than to accomplish this goal than with suds and sunshine? That’s why our slogan for the event is ‘Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we’re about to get wet on this ride!’” Heisenberg said.  

CCUCCS hopes to continue their goal of raising money for those affected by rising prices on campus and in the community by hosting similar events. Next month, the organization hopes to host a bake sale in the University Center, featuring a variety of different pastries and sweet treats.  

I was invited to be a judge during the event because of the food column Swifty’s Eats here at The Scribe, but I promptly turned them down after they scratched the paint on my car during a wash. 1 out of 5 stars. 

Photo from