SCRIBBLE | Newly elected SGA president Joe Biden prepares for life outside of the White House

Following the results of the national election, President Joe Biden has a consolation prize in his UCCS SGA victory.  

At a press conference last week, Biden told reporters he was “at least a little bit excited” to take on the position. “It’s nice to be president of something,” he said.  

Due to the price of housing in Colorado Springs, Biden will begin his tenure as SGA president living in the dorms. A source close to him reported that he is “a little less than a little bit excited” about that particular living arrangement.  

Biden’s platform was focused on increasing parking space, which led to landslide support, according to analysts. Said analysts added that there is some doubt as to whether that is a promise he can uphold.  

“I can’t wait to add more parking,” Biden said, after his Air Force One jet was unable to land on campus due to the number of cars. “I want to support the commuters that make this campus strong.” 

Preparations for the move to UCCS from Washington D.C. include packing up all of Biden’s mementos and tchotchkes that have sat on his desk in the oval office for the past four years. These include a signed autograph from former President Barack Obama, a mini-Amtrak model, a copy of “Promise Me Dad: A Year of Hope, Hardship and Purpose” by Joe Biden and a Snoopy snow globe.  

Biden’s belongings also include several hundred pairs of sunglasses carefully kept in a trunk and suspended by protective foam. “I just couldn’t leave any of them behind,” Biden said as he gently lowered another pair of Ray-Bans into the trunk.  

Biden has also been seen shopping for Colorado-specific materials: skis, a Patagonia jacket, Birkenstocks, several hundred Life is Good T-shirts and at least that many pairs of Pit Vipers. “I want to feel like a Colorado native,” he said, putting a sticker that says “Native” on his suitcase.  

Continuing the sticker trend, an unnamed source claims to have seen him on the Leechpit website looking at “Keep Colorado Springs Lame” stickers last week. 

Photo courtesy of The Hill.