SCRIBBLE: UCCS researchers say energy crystal can give you a new zodiac sign

Camille Liptak 

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     In a breakthrough experiment last Wednesday, student researchers at UCCS created a potent energy crystal that allows individuals to choose their Sun Sign. They are calling it: the UCCS Zodiac Changing Power Crystal. 

     “This crystal could potentially change the lives of every person on the planet, except Gemini, because they change all the time already,” said Cosmic Cannibal, resident astrologer for The Scribe. 

     “Before, we were at the mercy of our birthdays. If we were born under a sign we didn’t like, we just had to deal with it and hoped that no one found out. Now, we can literally choose which sign we want to be.” 

     The UCCS Zodiac Changing Power Crystal is a woman-made melon-sized crystal, charged to super high-pitched astral frequencies. When combined with other failsafe transmutational totems such as birthstones and birthday candles, the UCCS Zodiac Changing Power Crystal can equalize the bad vibes and volatile slander that come with your birth-given Sun Sign.  

     Taurus will no longer have to hear people call them stubborn or lazy, and Virgo can stop reading that they are exceedingly anxious and nitpicky. Cancer can put an end to everyone thinking them overly sensitive. Libra and Pisces will use the crystal if only because they hear such good things about it from friends, while Capricorn and Scorpio couldn’t care less.      

     “This is really good news for Aquarius, though,” Cannibal said. “They might actually be able to live normal lives for a change.” 

     At press time, Aries, Leo and Sagittarius have unanimously stated that power crystal or not, they wouldn’t change their Sun Signs for all the money in the world, because they are great and everyone wishes they could be as great as them.  

     Researchers have not commented on whether the effects of the UCCS Zodiac Changing Power Crystal are lasting or imaginary.