UCCS administration is struggling to celebrate the holidays in ways that don’t endorse any particular religion or cultural tradition above others.
“As a public university, we are committed to honoring the change in seasons and the end of the semester without alienating any students,” Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet said in a statement last Monday. “This means we, as administration and staff, will not be greeting students in any holiday related manner, and holiday-specific decorations will be carefully vetted.”
Sobanet then listed several greetings deemed appropriate for the season: “hello,” “hi,” “good morning/afternoon/evening (depending on time of day)” and “season’s greetings,” but only in moderation.
Choosing atmospheric seasonal music proved challenging, as many holiday songs mention Christmas directly or indirectly. UCCS Radio dealt with the issue by programming the ATM on the first floor of University Center to play a loud alarm intermittently for what’s left of the semester.
“Look, we wanted to be festive, but there’s not a lot of stuff that isn’t biased toward a particular holiday,” radio employee and holiday studies major Kriss Krongle said. “We figured the ATM could provide an atmosphere of loud joy that wouldn’t possibly offend anyone, as it has no lyrics at all.”
Upon being informed that the radio was dealing with a landslide of complaints about the alarm, Krongle stalked away, muttering something along the lines of “ATM people making me lie about their stupid broken machine.”
Jobanet tried to continue the holiday spirit by sending out a campus-wide email celebrating the change in season. However, finding ways to celebrate without any bias whatsoever proved impossible, as all sources reported that the email was completely blank.
When asked about the contents of her email and whether or not it was a mistake, Jobanet said, “_________________________________________.”
After students requested a tree to decorate, Administration eventually provided a tiny fern next to the festive ATM. The fern was removed after a few students yelled over the ATM that it reminded them of the tree from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” and every other tree was quickly removed from the vicinity of campus on the off chance it would spark another memory of Christmas movies.
“____________________________________________,” Jobanet said again, when asked to bring the trees back.
Photo from The Scribe archives.