Calling all ghosts and ghouls! In case you haven’t heard (or haven’t seen all the pumpkins, skeletons, witch hats and bats decorating the city), Halloween is just around the corner. If you’re curious about what this horrifyingly fun holiday has in store for your zodiac sign, you’re in luck: I’ve got your hair-raising, spine-tingling satiriscope forecast. So, without further ado:
Your Halloween Horrorscope
Aries
A la “The Addams Family,” you’re preoccupied with everything eerie. Skeletons, mummies and spirits are at the top of the list, but rituals and magic could also call out to you. A seance at a cemetery could be just the thing to cure your craving for the odd and macabre…
Taurus
Trick-or-treating is a thing of the past. This time around, you and your screammates should throw a party on Elm Street. While you’re at it, invite Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and Chucky. From what I hear, when these three are at a party, they slayyyyy…
Gemini
Grab your broomstick, slap on your pointy hat and light those candles, because your daily routine is in for a witchy makeover. You’re eschewing the mundanity of muggle life for banishing hexes, summoning spells, potions and sigils. And literally all you want to watch is “Harry Potter” and “Hocus Pocus”…
Cancer
Costume idea: A werewolf! You’ve already got that changeling thing down pat, but it’ll be a fun change of pace to unleash your inner beast and howl at the moon — if only for a fright night. If going out isn’t your bag, consider staying in and binge-watching werewolf horror movies…
Leo
Living dead are coming to your haunted house for a grim night in. Bats, black cats, cobwebs and haunted dolls provide the perfect atmosphere for a Ouija board seance. Of course, you and your undead friends could also prowl through a graveyard and tell ghost stories until dawn. Your choice…
Virgo
Vampires, boogeymen and hellions are taking over your streets, but there’s no need to freak. Elvira, Mistress of the Damned, is a Virgo and she never lets any hellions mess with her. So, repeat after me: I’m a horrible hag and no hellion, ghoul, goblin or ogre can mess with me…
Libra
Listen to them, the children of the night. Be they poltergeist, warlock or banshee, they’re shrieking for you to join them in a Halloween spook spree. Sharpen your fangs, don your cape and get ready to scary the living s— out of your dorm, because these cursed companions mean business…
Scorpio
Spiders are a good source of protein, so throw a few in your cauldron. The magic potion may not list spiders as a main ingredient, but you’re a crafty witch and you can do as you please. Besides, arachnids balance the bitterness of boomslang skin and newt eye quite nicely…
Sagittarius
Spirits of the dead (both literally and figuratively) may rise from the grave and haunt you all day and night. Like zombies, these invisible phantoms seek to feed on your head and heart. The panacea to this paranormal problem isn’t sleep — dreams are where they get ya — but direct confrontation…
Capricorn
Count Chocula has a coven of monstrous pals — Boo Berry, Franken Berry, The Swirled Ghost — and they’re always down for a Halloween bash. You should do as the Count does: get out of your coffin, call your fright night fam and troll the town for a creepy bash to crash… (I hear Taurus is throwing a rager over on Elm Street.)
Aquarius
Ancient apparitions (otherwise known as wraiths) could come knocking on the door of your tomb/casket/catacomb. Who you gonna call? Um, Ghostbusters, duh. They’ll blast those specters back into the past. But watch out: they might splatter ectoplasm all over the place and that goo is hard to clean up…
Pisces
Pumpkins become jack-o-lanterns when humans cut out their innards and carve shapes into their flesh. From their gooey guts rise their souls; this is well known in Gourd lore. You might want to familiarize yourself with this and other Halloween myths, or just go make a myth of your own…