Cyclists around campus can frequently be seen closing gaps of mere inches between pedestrians. A recent study conducted by a health sciences professor suggests they can actually see people walking, and their proximity has been intentional this entire time.
Professor Molly Cule initially theorized that the habit was caused by temporary pedestrian blindness, a lesser-known symptom of altitude sickness. After a series of experiments and field studies, it turns out the phenomenon is just a concerning personality trait shared among all bike riders.
According to the Wellness Center, approximately five pedestrians per week are treated for diving-out-of-the-way syndrome. “One student’s hair was so messy we had to shave her like a dog in the summer,” one healthcare provider said.
An initiative to ban human-powered forms of transportation has spread across campus. Students reportedly aren’t concerned about cars, as they are busy looking for nonexistent parking spots.
“The cyclists that speed to the dining hall are wheely scary. Like, why are they in such a hurry to eat undercooked chicken?” senior nutrition major Gordy Ramsay said.
“They don’t even ring the little bells on the handlebars anymore, they just say ‘on your left’ when they’re on the right. Then they look at you like you’re the crazy one,” said junior psychology major Ivanka Pavlov.
Most cyclists across campus were moving too quickly to stop for interviews. When asked about his need for speed, sophomore political science major Bichael Ryder said, “I like seeing the fear in their eyes.” Ryder was the only rider the Scribble managed to stop.
Students and squirrels are advised to remain vigilant of people on bicycles for the foreseeable future. Avoid walking on sidewalks and grass or in parking lots.
Cyclists can actually see pedestrians. Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.