Backpacks: the academic review

It’s official, UCCS… We are BACK! And speaking of BACK, what better way to kick off the new school year than by rating things we carry on our backs? You know, stress, the unreasonable pressure to succeed, chronic exhaustion, the weight of our own mistakes, etc.

Just kidding, it’s backpacks. I’m rating backpacks. I haven’t quite gotten to the level of rating abstract concepts of negativity yet. If that resonated though, I recommend the Places to Cry on Campus rating.

In the words of every teacher you had last week, let’s get started!

1. “The Standard.”

A really solid beginning! It looks durable, lightweight and just big enough to carry whatever it needs to. It’s also UCCS colored. 9/10.

2. “The Storage Unit.”

A little bigger, all black. Not flashy at all. Nice and practical, but meant to carry a lot of weight, which could mean that it gets a lot heavier and more painful to carry around. 8/10.

3. “The Upgrade.”

Similar to “The Standard,” but it has a Groot keychain. Automatic bonus. 9.5/10.

4. “The Touch of Class.”

Nice sturdy backpack, nice color, a little nice personalization and Audrey Hepburn, who always gets extra points in my book. 12/10.

5. “Ol’ Reliable.”

I’ve had this since middle school and it’s still holding up. 10/10.

6. “The Standa– oh, this is a different one.”

Gray, kinda bland. The owner of this backpack probably has the kind of personality you wouldn’t want to be around. 5/10.

7. “Nope, still boring.”

Same backpack from a different angle. 5.42/10.

8. “Automatic Fail.”

My dad was generous enough to let me take a picture of his backpack. He should know better by now. -7/10.

9. “The Throwback.”

I love the vintage feel of this one, and I love the color. 9/10.

10. “Miss me with this one.”

Whoever owns this is a nerd. It’s me. I own it. 7/10.

11. “The Versatile.”

This bad boy could fit so many frogs in it. It doesn’t fit on your back very well though. 7.87/10.

12. “The Selective Carrier.”

This is great and it can only hold so much. There’s no point in buying textbooks if you can’t carry them anywhere, so good money saver. Try that one on your professors and see how it goes. 7.877/10.

13. “The Food Backpack.”

It sure would be nice if someone would invent a little backpack that you could use for food. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to keep carrying a microwave around. Life’s a pit. 4/10.

14. “Lifts the Weight of Exhaustion.”

This can’t carry my school supplies, but it can carry me through my day. 15/10.

15. “The Pupper Transport.”

That’s my dog taking a nap. 29/10.