May 09, 2017
Page Turner
Having been in college for a while, I’ve learned that it is too hard to be a good student. So I decided to learn how to become “that” student, and so far I have successfully managed to show everyone how much I don’t care.
This is no easy feat.
Students must perform a series of vital tasks to be the best at being the worst student in class.
Start with being late to class. The most efficient way to do this to to gradually show up later and later past the class’ start time each week.
Don’t wait for your classmate to finish their presentation; you should always enter the classroom at the least opportune moment.
If need be, “accidently” bump a few people as you make your grand entrance, and spill your scalding hot coffee on some guy as your backpack knocks over someone else’s water bottle.
Extra points if the concept is difficult to understand, and your interruption causes the professor to make awkward eye contact with you and lose their train of thought.
If you want to make your late entrances even better, walk in with Chick-fil-a, but make sure to blame parking. No one can call you out on that one.
Once you find a seat, conveniently at the front to distract your classmates even more, be on your phone the entire time.
Make sure that your peers and professor know you don’t want to be there, and that you have no respect for their time by taking Buzzfeed quizzes. You can’t learn anything valuable in the class if you don’t know what kind of pasta you are based on your zodiac sign.
Remember, C’s get degrees. Participation points are for over-achievers.
When reviewing the curriculum for a test, ask questions that have already been answered. You can’t be expected to listen to everything.
And as class comes to a close, pack up your stuff 20 minutes in advance, and be at the door as your professor dismisses everyone.
The zipping of your bag is sure to cue others, or at least distract them from your professor’s final words.
When the semester ends, make sure to go up to your professor and explain that you have been trying really hard in this class, but you just don’t learn in the conventional way, and that you need to know how they can help you boost your grade.
If they fail you, give the professor a two for every FCQ question, and write a seething review on ratemyprofessor.com to let everyone know just how unfair your professor is.