Dear Devious Duo

Nov. 15, 2010

Last weekend I went out with some friends to a bar. Before entering, we agreed to create back stories that were semi-ridiculous and funny. Basically, the goal was to convince girls to sleep with us under bizarre aliases and personal stories.

Initially, all went according to plan – for me at least. The girl was sweet and loved hearing about how I’m in law school and working with the Legal Aid Society, helping to free innocent people in jail. However, when I tried to talk her into coming back and fucking me, she declined and said she really liked me and wanted to hang out again, but doesn’t do this on the first night.

We have been texting back and forth for the last several days and are planning to get together this Saturday with some friends. Unfortunately, I’m starting to like her, and obviously the relationship has no future predicated on my fictitious story. However, it is clear that I could pull the story off for one more night and fuck her.

What should I do?

Dear Pants-on-Fire,

I’ve got to jump straight to the end of your letter for just a second: You say that you’re starting to “like her,” whoever this poor girl is, yet you continue on to say, “It is clear that I could pull the story off for one more night and fuck her.”

Obviously you don’t like her at all. You want sex.

Great, now that we have that out of the way…

All you have to do is keep up your little game and you should be home free, right? One night of no-strings-attached pleasure! You’ll wake up in the morning and be completely free!

Er, no. If you’re starting to have some sort of “feelings” for her (not counting the throbbing feeling coming from your nether-region) then odds are she is developing feelings for you. The “real feelings” that you’re not feeling. The “oh we’d make such a great couple” feelings. This is bad…no, terrible, news for your little plan. Have you thought out your escape route for when you either: A. Turn the girl down by telling her you were lying about everything you said, or B. Turn the girl down by telling her you never really liked her, and that you only wanted sex?

I didn’t think so.

Look, I get it: It’s sex. It’s built into our man-DNA to chase down the women-folk and do what must be done. But this is the 21st century, and we all have to have a moral compass. Maybe this situation isn’t crossing any of your personal boundaries, but try to at least keep the girl in mind, too.

…Alright, I’ll bite: you really are developing some of those “real feelings” we were talking about earlier for this girl.

If you really do like her, come clean. The relationship will more than likely come to a devastating end. But really, you deserve it. If she was starting to like some pre-law, social-activist hero then let her go out and find that guy. When she wants the bar-trolling liar, she’ll come back and find you.

-JD Osorio

Dear Legally Horny,

First of all, awesome idea – in theory.

However, with that said, couldn’t you have picked a more interesting alias, like a neurosurgeon or someone who saves endangered animals for a living?

Now that’s a panty dropper.

Freeing innocent people? Yawn, stretch, quiet snores.

Your situation presents two courses of action: Continue lying and see how far it gets you – a bed, car, kitchen table or bar restroom, or you shed your guise and tell the truth. The latter should be done on your hands and knees and if you can, try to look humble so she understands the severity of your dilemma. By choosing to tell the truth, expect a slap to the face. It’s only fair.

If you decide to continue lying, work in a few unexpected phone calls requiring your presence in court, do a little research so you know your jargon and be ready to work the charm. (At least for another 48 hours.) Play it cool, don’t rush things, and if you get her drunk enough, making a visit to “Anchorman’s” Pleasure Land shouldn’t be out of the question.

Still, with all this said, it’s important to consider the value you put on sex.

Based on this elaborate plot, I imagine it’s been awhile. The virgins and dry-spellers of the world feel for you.

However, if she is dumb enough to believe you, then I think you have a bigger issue at hand – a gullible bimbo who doesn’t do it on the first date. Clearly you associate with classy people.

There is, of course, the possibility that you are simply a skilled, if not professional, liar.

In which case, there’s no turning back. So go ahead, sleep with her and move on. Be careful, though, because not all women are so simple-minded, and the next one who sees through your lies will most likely land you in the critical care unit.

If you survive this unscathed, I will, of course, offer you my deepest apologies and utmost respect.

Considering the likelihood of that happening, however, I’m not going to hold my breath.

-Jessica Lynch

Have a question about relationships, love or…sex? Email your query to the Devious Duo at [email protected].