Feb. 28, 2011
For centuries, man has been on an endless quest for the Holy Grail. Last week, archeologists in Israel finally uncovered the most sought-after relic in history. It was discovered in Jerusalem at a site that has been determined to have been the location of the Last Supper.
It has long been believed that the Grail was a cup, which is why it has been called “grail,” which means “cup.” Last week’s discovery proves, however, that it was not actually a cup nor a bowl. It was a bagel.
While Jesus was said to have turned blood to wine, historians say he never actually touched the stuff. “The wine in Israel at that time was horrid,” said historian George Nesbitt, “It was kind of like the wine they make in the Midwest region of America now – just completely awful.”
He did, however, love bagels. “He was Jewish, after all,” commented Nesbitt. Historians now know that though he didn’t drink a glass of wine at the last supper, he did enjoy an everything bagel with a schmear of cream cheese and a few capers. The half-eaten remnants of that bagel are now in the hands of world-renowned historians.
The bagel was discovered during a routine dig by a team of American and British archeologists. While they were hoping, as all archeologist who dig in that region are, to find the Grail, they were in fact looking for regular historic artifacts. The dig had been going on for more than a week before they discovered anything.
“I was hoping to see some old pottery or something. I never expected this,” said Katie Miner, a student of archeology. Miner was the one who actually discovered the Grail. The seven more experienced archeologists on the trip were irked.
“I’ve been digging for over twenty years, and on her first dig, the little brat discovers the freaking Holy Grail! This blows,” said American archeologist Henry Buster. Shortly after commenting, he dug himself a hole and has been sitting in it ever since.
Along with the bagel, archeologists found silverware, pieces of plates, a few napkin rings, a petrified wishbone and a piece of what appears to have been a beer mug. As Nesbitt stated, “Jesus was more of a beer guy.”