New cars given to every single student on campus through bill passed by UCCSATPSG

April 1, 2018

Archduke Franz John Seymor Buchanan, heir-apparent to the Throne of the Secret U.S. Monarchy, Vanguard of the Human Race, Jr. Sr. Esq. etc.

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     The UCCS Association of Tuition-Paying Student Government passed SB3.141592653589: The Oprah Act on April 1 with a unanimous vote. The bill gives every student a free car paid in full with money from the student activity fee.

    The bill, which is 1,406 pages long, not including the sticky note attached to the back which declares the cities of Colorado Springs and Manitou Springs under the control of UCCSATPSG, grants every student with at least 10 credit hours a free vehicle with at least three wheels, which they can “use to transport their textbooks, school supplies and longboard efficiently,” according to the bill.

Over 1,000 cars have already been distributed to students in the process of executing this bill. Photo Illustration by Logan Davel and Ben Patzer: The Scribble

     Also included in The Oprah Act are 15 different rider amendments, one of which declares the UCCS campus a sovereign nation no longer under the control of the United States government.

    This effectively grants UCCSATPSG the power to purchase and provide over 12,400 cars, which are, “totally not stolen 😉,” according to the bill text.

    Carly Shay, freshman digital filmmaking major, and star of hit web-show “iCarly,” was one of the first students in line to receive keys to her brand-new car.

    “I think it was worth it because the grunts that work for the UCCSATPSG were able to cop me this sweet Lamborghini Aventador from that Target nearby,” Shay said.

    “I’m going to go shred some tread before The Scribble gets hit with a Cease and Desist from Nickelodeon for this joke.”

     In an official statement, UCCSATPSG expressed that the bill has been implemented in order to make amends in regards to SB9999910: The Vine Act, where members dropped 17 entire boxes of quarters from the Student Activity Fee on the Manitou Springs Incline “for the vine.”

    The Student Activity Fee is gathered from underneath the cushions of the couches in the Student Life, Leadership and Immortality office.

    The fee, which is usually allocated to on-campus clubs in random amounts at random times through the UCCSATPSG Blood Lottery, was scattered down the one-mile long, 2,000-foot tall Incline at high speed as the Senators involved hurled the heavy cases of change from a gold and black Cessna 172.

    The Vine recorded following the incident has yet to be published because Vine was shut down over one year ago. Senators are currently drafting a bill to reinstate the six-second video sharing platform under direct control of the UCCSATPSG.

    However, students should not worry about the impact on the student activity fee, according to Elon Musk, the newly appointed senator of innovation.

    “Every Tesla that I did not launch into space will be given to five lucky UCCS students,” said Musk, a freshman engineering major, over the sound of three rockets launching from atop the bluff at the same time.

    For the remainder of students, members of UCCSATPSG have “gone shopping” for cars in local supermarket parking lots.

    “No one is using those cars. They sit vacant for a couple hours, so we figure this is the best way to sustain our costs without draining the budget,” said Musk

    At press time, students, now tasked with managing two separate vehicles, were faced with the challenge of deciding which car to drive back home in.