Before you read any further, take a second to evaluate how you felt reading the title of this article. Did seeing the word “porn” make you uncomfortable in any way?
Now, consider why it made you uncomfortable. Do you think it has something to do with how porn is such a taboo thing to discuss? Did it surprise you to see an article with the word so prominently displayed in its title?
Regardless of what caused that slight queasy feeling in your stomach, I’m willing to bet that most readers experienced it just now. I’m also willing to bet a great deal of you have seen porn at some point.
According to Psychology Today, an online survey found that 85% of respondents in relationships reported porn use within the last six months. So if such a significant amount of us watch porn, why are we so afraid to talk about it?
I’d argue it’s at least partially related to the fact that deep down, we know watching porn isn’t healthy and can negatively affect our relationships with others. This leads to a buildup of shame, guilt and self-loathing.
I believe it’s important to break down these barriers of shame that prevent us from talking about porn in the first place. People cannot begin to heal from porn addiction until they feel safe to talk about the issue and personal experience.
“I hated myself. I wanted to quit our marriage because I felt I had failed my wife and our kids. Even though my career was doing very well and I was very successful on the outside, I had walled myself off and felt controlled by the thing that I hated but couldn’t stop.” This quote comes from a man who struggled with porn addiction for years, taken from an article on the website fightthenewdrug.org, a non-religious and non-legislative nonprofit dedicated to spreading word about potential harmful effects of porn consumption.
The author was prompted to write an article for FTND after seeing comments on the site demeaning people who were struggling with porn consumption.
“Many people were focused on demonizing the struggling consumer and blaming them for the pain that porn caused,” writes [?]. “[These] comments seemed to say that love and support were required for everyone but the one who is struggling. This is not what helps people.”
“Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort,” said Dr. Brene Brown according to FTND.
Brown is a well-known researcher on shame. “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
When societal rhetoric surrounding porn consumption deprecates and vilifies the consumers, it fuels feelings of shame and drives people that are struggling with a legitimate chemical addiction to further spiral into self-destruction.
According to the American Psychological Association, a 2011 study found that shame and hypersexuality were correlated, while guilt and the desire for change were correlated. Hypersexuality is also commonly referred to as compulsive sexual behavior.
According to a different article from FTND, the primary difference between guilt and shame is what they label as negative or “bad.” Guilt labels the behavior as bad, while shame labels the person practicing the behavior as bad.
Guilt can be a healthy way to acknowledge that an action we perform does not line up with our personal goals and values, and can motivate us to change for the better in the future.
Shame tells you that you as a person are bad, instead of your actions. It can lead you to isolate yourself from others due to not feeling worthy of connection or restoration and can send you spiraling down a dark hole. When someone fighting an addiction is attacked for struggling, feelings of shame are perpetuated and progress is stunted.
People don’t need to feel ashamed to talk about porn. Those struggling with porn addiction need to hear that they are not bad people. The more open and comfortable we are in talking about the subject, the less of a hold shame has over individuals battling the addiction.
Image caption: Photo from health.harvard.edu.