Satire | Breaking News: no more news, because everyone is sad

     In a sudden but not unexpected decision this week, news stations and newspapers across the country announced that they would be collectively shutting down because the news is making them too sad.  

     ABCD News, one of the stations closing its doors, put out this official statement on Instagram: “We have decided that after years of service to Americans, reporting on the news has just gotten too depressing, and it would be better that nobody knew what was going on. #IgnoranceIsBliss.” 

     Multiple reporters went on air to express gratitude for the loyal support of their patrons over the years, and many signed off for the last time wiping away tears.  

     Others took a more straightforward approach, such as Michael Anchorman of Weasel News, who merely said, “bye,” into camera and then walked directly offscreen before the program ended.  

     “This is really emotional for us, but it’s honestly a bigger relief not to talk about whatever crisis is happening right now,” said ABCD News Producer Katie Whitewoman, “We have put so much time and energy into accurately reporting global events for the American public, but now that I think about it, telling people anything about what’s going on was probably a bad idea in the first place.” 

     Whitewoman said that in many cases, some of the more enthusiastic journalists would be turning to social media such as TikTok, where they plan to report independently on public issues such as the global rise of authoritarianism while dancing to K-pop songs. She hopes the dancing will help mitigate the resulting depression.  

     It remains to be seen how many social media sites will react to the end of news, but Facebook seems to be eyeing the niche with interest. Shortly following the announcements from the news companies, an article appeared in Facebook feeds across the country with the headline: “Handsome and Successful CEO Mark Zuckerberg makes plans to launch new Meta News Station.” 

     There has been outcry from the American public over the mass exodus from journalism, including prominent concerns that removing the press from a democracy goes directly against the First Amendment, and that this move is a direct infringement on freedom of speech.  

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     When asked for comment on the issue, Whitewoman responded, “Listen, it’s not that we’re forcing you to close down, we just can’t take it anymore. If you want to report on the news, knock yourself out. I don’t care anymore.” 

     The most prominent activists have gone as far as reaching out to citizens of other countries to raise support for American news networks, which has met with less success than they expected. Upon asking some Chinese citizens to comment on the issue, the most common response loosely translates to: “Wait, you guys have a free press?” 

     For those concerned about how the Scribe will react to the end of journalism, we fully intend to keep reporting the news in a fair and unbiased manner, compassion fatigue notwithstanding. Join us next week for an interview with UCCS Chancellor Jeff Bezos, where we will focus on what a good job he’s doing.