SATIRE | Former UCCS mascot released from prison

Everyone knows Clyde the mountain lion. From his numerous parking tickets to his questionable diet, our lovable and furry mascot is the true symbol of the average UCCS student. It wasn’t always peaches and cream, though. It wasn’t always Clyde or die.

Before 2011, the UCCS mountain lion mascot’s name was Boomer, a young cougar with a bright future. However, he was expelled from the school after an investigation named him the lead culprit in a pyramid scheme dealing out phony parking passes. He was discovered when the UCCS parking Prius grew suspicious when it didn’t hit its usual quota of 200 parking tickets in 40 minutes.

After over a decade in prison, Boomer has returned, shocked to find his position filled by what he claims is an “overgrown house cat” in Clyde. We were able to catch up with Boomer and ask him a few questions before he starts classes again to finish his communication degree.

Joe: Where are you living right now, Boomer?

Boomer: The Rec Center.

Joe: Oh, big gym rat, are you?

Boomer: No.


Joe: So, what is the best way to avoid aggressive mountain lions attacks while traversing the trails at UCCS?

Boomer: Lather yourself in cow blood, lay down and say “pspspspsps.”


Joe: What was the food in prison like?

Boomer: Vile. I would watch them crush the bones of the chicken after feathering it alive, and then dump the remains into a soupy mess that was served lukewarm before our very tongues. Beats the Roaring Fork though.


Joe: Did the dean give you any grief when you said you wanted to return to classes here at UCCS?

Boomer: Who’s Dean?


Joe: How much do you pay to go here?

Boomer: I am a Mountain Lion.


Joe: Do you get your own parking spot?

Boomer: Yeah, I have a few right up front, but sometimes this jerk on crutches will take it.


Joe: What do you think would get the baseball team at UCCS to the RMAC championship?

Boomer: Steroids.


Joe: What’s the biggest difference between prison life and life at UCCS?

Boomer: I can’t really think of any.


Joe: Will you ever take back your mantle as the flagship UCCS mountain lion?

Boomer: Real ones know I never left.


Joe: There are worries that you will get up to more nefarious stunts upon your return. How do you respond to these allegations?

Boomer: I think they are ridiculous! It is ridiculous that anyone think I would tie a comical number of balloons to one of the shuttles and watch it float toward Pueblo, Colorado on March 23 2024! Simply ridiculous.


Joe: Thanks, Boomer. We know you’re excited to be back and know there’s no place you’d rather be than good old UCCS!

Boomer: Of course! Unless you count the sewage treatment plant, a coffin full of nails or a room full of rising water, there truly isn’t a place I would rather be, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

On a completely unrelated note, shuttles may be shut down on March 23 2024 due to strong winds.

Boomer at a 2009 men’s soccer tailgate. Photo via Communique.