After current UCCS Student Body President Aidan Clark stepped down before the start of the semester, National President Joe Biden shocked the nation by announcing his run for the position.
Biden’s decision came as a second shock following his original withdrawal from the national presidential race.
“I may be leaving the Oval Office, but I still got some president in me,” Biden shouted over a helicopter on the White House lawn last Thursday. “You got a vacancy, I’ll take it.”
Several constituents view Biden’s decision as an example of his selfless service to the country in any way possible.
“He’s fearless,” UCCS junior Polly Ticks said of Biden after he left campus. “It’s one thing to step down from one of the most powerful positions on earth, but I don’t know if he can handle our club funding. Bless him for trying.”
Other students voiced concerns about the reasons Biden stepped down from his original campaign in the first place.
“I really hate to be the one to bring this up, but he’s still old,” UCCS senior Senna Tore pointed out. “I don’t think he’d have the energy to join the mosh pit at a Waka Flocka Flame concert. I feel like it would be hard on his joints.”
On Friday, Biden held a rally in the Centennial lecture hall. Attendees called the event “as riotous as possible for a rally where all the people chanting ‘thank you Joe’ are locked into their chairs by little, tiny desks.”
His campaign promises include working elevators, affordable parking, edible dining hall food and lowering the TAAP fee. Moderators did not say anything to those promises directly, but witnesses say their faces were full of doubt.
During the rally, most listeners were respectful and roused by Biden’s message, but not everyone was. One unidentified individual in a hoodie and sunglasses took advantage of a pause to call out, “He doesn’t even go here!”
“I know, I just have a lot of feelings,” Biden replied, holding his hands to his heart.
When asked on the way out of the building whether he felt qualified for the challenges of office at UCCS, Biden responded, “Look, folks. I’m the president of America. I think I can take it.”
He was heard later cursing under his breath when his two-factor authentication code expired again when he tried to log into his campaign portal.
“I give him a week, tops,” Tore said.
It is rumored that Republican Presidential Nominee Donald Trump, who has repeatedly indicated that Biden was unfairly forced out of the national race, may also drop out and run against Biden for the position.
“He misses his friend,” said a Trump campaign representative. “He wants to run against his buddy again.”
Photo courtesy of The New Yorker.