Satire: New science shows that COVID-19 does not exist in small towns

Jade Ellis 

jellis2@uccs.edu 

     As you walk through a small community, you may notice that many people are not wearing their masks. At first, you may be scared. After all, we are in a global pandemic with a deadly virus wreaking havoc on the lives of many. Have no fear! 

     According to new scientific information, COVID-19 has been proven not to exist in small towns. This new science has been studied by Dr. Igna Rant. Rant stated that, “In small towns, COVID simply does not exist.” 

     Rant always questioned the existence of the virus when many in his scientific community judged him for this unique take. He was constantly targeted and considered himself a victim to the minds of other highly educated doctors in his field. However, Rant finally made his breakthrough as he studied the brains of people in small towns.  

     In his research, he found that these citizens, who are not wearing their masks, have smaller frontal lobes, making them invulnerable to the COVID-19 virus. Rant wrote, “It sounds too good to be true, but my research proves this correct.”  

     No longer do small-town folk have to worry about the damage of the virus to the community but, instead, should continue to act exactly how their lives were before the pandemic hit last year.  

     Rant urges people to continue to go to restaurants without masks, breathe and cough on as many people as possible and shop at local stores without fear of becoming sick. 

     Now, Rant knew his research would be ground-breaking, but he had no idea that his work would have very little impact on these communities, as people were already living their lives as if there was not a pandemic.  

     If people were still scared of the deadly virus, Rant encouraged them to partake in alternative treatments such as essential oils and watching Fox News. He also stated that no one should become vaccinated because the vaccines are extremely dangerous and have government microchips in them to track citizens. 

     I, myself, am feeling extremely relieved at this new information. I was worried for the safety of my friends and family members, but now I know that this whole pandemic thing is no big deal. Thanks, Dr. Igna Rant! 

Feature Photo by Ivan Diaz on Unsplash