SATIRE | Students across campus go feral at season change

The entire campus recently experienced an outbreak of erratic student behavior due to the change in season, despite the 70-80 degree weather.  

Oct. 1 brought a crisp fall wind and with it, a crowd of students gathered outside of Main Hall, shouting, “Fall! Fall! Fall!” 

“It’s finally here,” said breathless and desperate sophomore Crystal Methany, before showing off her Ugg boots and pumpkin spice latte, wrestled out of a barista’s hand not seven minutes ago. “I’ve been waiting so long for the weather to get cool again, I feel like I’ve been going crazy!”  

Every coffee shop within a 20-mile radius of campus was beset by students clamoring for hot, spicy drinks such as chai and pumpkin spiced anything. Target sold completely out of pastel scarves, and employees were forced to go back and knit more in order to appease the rabid masses of fall-crazed customers.  

Students drowning in woolen sweaters were seen visibly sweating as they went from class to class. When one anonymous student was asked why he was wearing a thick sweater in direct sunlight, he declined comment and walked away, the sweater sticking to his shirt underneath.   

Multiple students grabbed leaves off trees to throw into piles, and one student was spotted painting the leaves yellow, muttering something about photosynthesis under her breath. 

Several sweater clad students fainted from the heat of their woolen clothing. Upon awakening, many were still too dehydrated to stand, and simply rolled about on the grass, seemingly pretending to be in leaf piles.  

“What we see here is the aesthetic phenomenon,” senior psychology major Katy Mine explained. “People are so desperate for the season to change so they can change their style with it, potentially to the detriment of their health.” 

Mine’s interview was briefly interrupted by a mass of students cackling and carrying stolen Halloween decorations across the lawn to their dorms.  

Maintenance was dispatched to deal with the sudden influx of pumpkins spilling out of the greenhouses, and the hallways of multiple buildings were declared unsafe due to the excessive strings of fake cobwebs blocking the path. Multiple students were literally tangled in the webs and had to be cut out one strand at a time.  

“The aesthetic phenomenon cannot be stopped,” Mine said. “It’s a sign of brief evolutionary regression. These pumpkin crazy, leaf happy individuals must change all of their personalities to align with the idea of fall. It’s a canon event.” 

Mine then concluded the interview, saying she had to rush off and grab herself a pumpkin spice latte before the whole city runs out of pumpkin spice.  

Fall is here and students on campus are going feral during this change. Photo by Kira Thorne.