SATIRE | Top five university purchases with golf’s discontinued funds 

On Feb. 9, UCCS announced the discontinuation of the Mountain Lions’ women’s and men’s golf programs, citing “financial constraints and a declining budget” as the reason for their elimination from the university’s athletic lineup. 

However, shutting down one valuable student opportunity only opens more, and UCCS put the golf program’s money to good use. After running through the lengthy list of expenses, I compiled what I believe to be the top five most important purchases with these leftover funds. 

5. Renovated library chairs for more focused studying 

This could be a boring purchase to some, but it was long overdue. It looks like all of the chairs in the library have been de-squeaked and the fabric has been overhauled to create a more peaceful environment with less distractions. 

Or so I’ve heard. Can someone else test this out for me? What’s a library? 

4. WD-40 for all the squeaky classroom doors 

This is an under-the-radar purchase, and one that I completely condone for many, many reasons. No one wants to be the person who wakes up late, sprints to class midway through the lecture and attempts to slowly open the door as to not disturb the learning experience just to hear the loudest “CREEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!” ever displayed. 

I have been that person before. It is not fun.  

3. Three (3) new parking spaces 

You haven’t noticed? Well, they’re definitely there, I promise. You probably haven’t seen them because you were too busy walking a mile and a half to campus after getting dizzy from driving around the parking lot and going back home.  

All good things come in threes. Bananas, the Three Stooges and now parking spaces. High five! 

2. Rebranding “Sanatorium Grounds” to “Big Cat Coffee” 

This is a cost that is extremely disappointing to see, mostly because I was rooting for an alternative name (I love you, “The Bean’s List”). 

If you’re wondering how so much money could be sunk into the rebranding of a coffee shop, nearly half of the budget for this task was thrown into forcing Clyde the Mountain Lion to pose for hours on end to get the perfect logo. 

Clyde’s recovery from the experience included ten full cases of bottled water, three gourmet meals a day that only a Mountain Lion could consume and a pair of lengthy and expensive vet visits from exhaustion. But it was all worth it? 

1. An actual mini-golf course.  

Sure, REAL golf may be gone, but who says that you can’t replace it with their squirmy, less serious younger brother? That’s right, UCCS has officially finished its summer-long construction: building a whimsical 18-hole miniature golf course for all students to enjoy (for a small fee, of course)! 

Located on the Cherokee Ridge Golf Course, students enrolled in the university can play a round of golf just like they used to. But, instead of dangerous 400-foot searing tee shots mixed with a whole lot of boring standing around, you can now putt to your heart’s content! There’s even a windmill or two! 

Price for all 18 holes is $15 a person, while students with *former* golf scholarships will receive 10% off their first purchase. 

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