Satire: When will men stop wearing shorts year-round?

Megan Moen 

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     As the cold weather creeps upon us here at UCCS, students are starting to pull out their winter sweaters and fuzzy pants to prepare for the drop in temperature.  

     However, it is apparent that some students have yet to grow out of their phase of wearing sporty shorts all year round. Here at the Scribble, I was astonished by this phenomenon mainly among men, and I set out to investigate: Why are some men torturing themselves in the winter by wearing shorts, and when will the madness end?  

     To begin to unfold this mystery I interviewed some people around campus. I first targeted students that were dressed appropriately for the winter weather and inquired what they thought about this investigation.  

     One student named Taylor Scarfonallthetime expressed her concern about this topic. “My boyfriend fell victim to the yorts (year-round shorts) phenomenon about two years ago. I’m honestly worried at this point for his own well-being. His knees have turned purple from frostbite, but he keeps insisting that he isn’t cold because his sleeveless vest is keeping his core warm.”  

     Another student named Piper Longstocking shared their story about how yorts have affected their everyday life. They stated, “My friend of ten years was a major yorts supporter in elementary school, and I thought he had gotten through that phase, but he fell back into old habits last winter.”  

     They said, “It had gotten so bad last December, I don’t think he ever took his shorts off for three months, not even to sleep.” 

     As I continued to investigate, I realized this issue was way more extensive than I had originally thought. I started to wonder if I was in over my head with this one, but I decided to keep digging, for the sake of humanity.  

     As I moved on to the next stage in this exposé, I cautiously began to approach the yorts supporters. 

     “I’m proud to be a member of the yorts community,” one enthusiastic man named Dave Longlegs said through chattering teeth.  

     “Pants were just too confining if I’m being honest, and my jean pockets weren’t big enough to hold my baseball card collection and cool rocks that I collect on the ground whenever I go out,” he said. 

     Another man named Chad Dahc crossed my path and informed me that by wearing shorts all the time, he’s always prepared in case someone starts a spontaneous game of tag. “You can’t run around in jeans like you can in shorts. I’m just being productive; you can never know when someone decides to spring a good ole’ game of tag on campus. I mean it happened all the time at recess in fifth gr—”  

     At this point in the interview, Chad had passed out from the cold, and I never had a chance to follow up with his insight. 

     Most of the people I encountered gave similar responses, and evidently, they were also all shivering when I approached them. However, one very confused man wearing shorts exclaimed, “I genuinely had no clue that long shorts existed! I’ve been wearing this same pair of shorts since I was eleven, and the only way I’ve been able to stay warm is by using my little sister’s Hello Kitty fuzzy socks.”  

     Despite all the souls that have been lost to the yorts phenomenon, it was nice to have the ability to save at least one person from succumbing to the cold, lifeless grip of yorts. 

     After deep investigation into this growing issue, I’m honestly mortified. I truly wish I could unsee the horrors that I uncovered, and I live in fear of yorts every day now.  

     If you are reading this and you haven’t fallen victim to this epidemic, I advise you to hide your children if you ever feel the looming presence of the yorts. If it is too late to hide, then run as far and as fast as you can. Stay safe out there everyone. 

Art by Mike Foley.