SATIRE | Wi-Fi and server troubles linked to mouse people chewing on wires

UCCS has recently dealt with Wi-Fi connection and server issues, and students have been speculating about the origin of the problems.

Is it geographical isolation? Bad luck? The part-time staff who have been seen eating internet routers whole? After reaching out to a library attendant for an interview, they replied they were too busy chewing on a wire.

Some people on campus are worried that the outages are linked to staff slowly being replaced by a sentient race of mouse people. Others call the claim ridiculous. The newest chair of the psychology department, Stuart Little, addressed it directly.

“I see no problem with the chewing,” Little said. “If anything, it’s a sign that the times are changing for the better. I mean, the handle on every door around here is at least four feet off the ground. I just don’t think that’s very fair.”

While the claims that the campus is becoming the site for a bubonic Bonnaroo are widely thought to be unsound, the shredded cheese in every vending machine is a welcome surprise to many students. Clyde’s gastropub is also contributing to the cheese craze, adding a few new menu items. Here to comment is the new head chef, Remy Ratatouille.

“Ah, yes, the three new menu items are sure to be a hit with students! First, we have Slice’de Cheese, a delicacy. Secondly, we have Baggie’de cheesie, a fan favorite,” Ratatoullie said. “And for our lactose intolerant customers, we have a bathroom.”

Some students on campus do not love these wonderfully cheesy changes, raising suspicion about their allegiance to the coming order.

“They have infiltrated The Scribe, judgement has come and I am but a rat in a cage,” the Scribe Editor-in-Chief said when this article was submitted. Czarnecki was later arrested for not finishing a plate of ricotta.

Most students feel UCCS has never looked better. There are more Wisconsinites on campus than ever, lactose intolerance has gone down 94%, and all cats found on or near campus are promptly removed. Additionally, dorm capacity has gone from around 1,700 to roughly 1.1 million. UCCS has even changed mascots, from Clyde the Mountain Lion to Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Photo via the UCCS Photography Database.