September 19, 2017
Jasmine Nelson
It seems like it comes earlier and earlier every year.
It’s in our lattes, our candles, car fresheners, pastries, pies and souls.
Frankly, I’m sick of it being literally forced down my throat for a few months out of the year. Pumpkin Spice is a significant threat to our society.
Even the name gives me chills. Pump. Kin. Spy. Sss.
In fact, rumors have surfaced that Mayor Smothers and Charlie Brown’s thumb-sucking friend Lionel have declared locating and destroying The Great Pumpkin to be the top priority for Colorado.
UCCS administrators have also recently learned that if more than 15 people consume pumpkin flavoring from Sanatorium Grounds before the official first day of Autumn, the university’s accreditation status will be immediately revoked.
Once this dreaded flavor no longer torments us, we can all sleep soundly and finally leave this pumpkin purgatory.
And I hate to encourage stereotypes, but the pumpkin spice flavor has become increasingly—almost exclusively—popular among a certain type of people: those deviants, who wear shoes, have hair and, usually, possess multiple facial features.
I hate pretty much everything about those people and I hate the fact that they enjoy a popular seasonal flavor.
It’s insulting to those of us who take no pleasure in anything that anyone else in the world also takes pleasure in. I, for example, only drink Rhubarb-Spaghetti Squash lattes during the fall.
Protect yourself from the pumpkin epidemic this fall. You might save your life.