On the night of April 4, Clyde the Mountain Lion accidentally ate the beloved Easter Bunny, ruining Easter for millions worldwide.
Clyde claims he mistook him for a regular bunny, as he was not donning his traditional basket or pastel sweater vest. Moving forward, Clyde has vowed to convert to a pacifist lifestyle and vegan diet.
The murder remained unnoticed until Easter morning, with both children and parents confused by the lack of hidden eggs and baskets delivered. It was then that Clyde stepped forward and revealed his paw in the matter.
“I feel like such a basket case. I was on my usual late-night stroll of campus, when I saw my midnight snack just hopping along. I had no idea it was the one bunny you’re not supposed to eat,” Clyde said.
Clyde said that the incident has made him question how many other famous animals he has eaten, and that he will be converting to a strict no-animal diet immediately.
“I hear the Lodge has some really good plant-based options. Plus, the grass on West Lawn looks really appetizing,” Clyde said.
The now-herbivore has joined multiple anti-war groups across Colorado Springs. He has also joined the chickens of the UCCS Farm, who have unionized against the exploitation of their eggs for the holiday.
“If any good can come from this event, let it be that I now know I don’t carrot all for violence or murder. To any Easter-celebrators or rabbits out there, know that I am so eggstremely sorry,” Clyde said.
Moments before disaster. Graphic by Josiah Dolan.