The UCCS maintenance department enlisted the help of a local HVAC crew after receiving complaints of “love in the air” of multiple buildings around campus.
Students in University Center were the first to call in the issue on Feb. 9, reporting a stifling atmosphere around the tables for two by Big Cat Coffee.
According to the supervisor of the electrical, HVAC and plumbing departments, Hershey Lindt, the exact cause is still unknown. “It could be an obstruction, maybe a Hallmark teddy bear causing a blockage, maybe cooties. It’s anyone’s guess,” Lindt said.
Students in the library experienced side effects from the pollution. “I started to feel weird around noon, like something was calling me to dedicate all of my time to someone who wants to be a gaming streamer when he ‘grows up.’ I was sure we were going to get married, but now I know it was just a hallucination caused by the vents. I’m so relieved,” said visibly shaken communications major Russel Stover.
“It was sickening. I had class in Centennial Hall on Tuesday. Afterward, I promptly posted song lyrics to my Instagram and stomached a full handful of those candy hearts in my altered state,” said English major Brianna Brachs.
Students that reported symptoms were treated at the Wellness Center using counter-exposure therapy — Vogue’s “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing?” article — to remedy the hallucinogenic effects.
Impacted buildings have been closed off while the fumes dissipate. UCCS Administration announced on Feb. 13 that it should take about as long to clear out as it takes for the cheap flowers you begged your situationship to buy for you to die — ‘bout three days.
The Osborne Center is unaffected by the pollution. There’s no risk of finding love in that hopeless place.
Photo from the Scribe Archives.