After an eternity of blocked-off lanes, stand-still traffic and truly beautiful zipper-merge performances from the best drivers Colorado Springs has to offer, the construction blockade has finally lifted on Union Boulevard. The result of all that work? Absolutely nothing.
Multiple commuter students told The Scribe that once the lanes re-opened, they were eager to test the new, improved and hopefully resurfaced route to campus. They were disappointed to find the same old Union, prompting investigation by campus experts into the matter.
Junior communications major Connor Rhodes said that the construction shutdown on Union was one of the scariest months of his life, and that the lack of pothole improvement was a major let-down.
“I risked my life getting through that light on Union and Academy, and I still catch air on that bump by the Safeway,” Rhodes said.
One anonymous commuter student told The Scribe that she almost lost faith in the goodness of human beings at that light, only for the construction to yield psychological trauma and worn-down brakes.
“My car knows Union, and Union knows my car. My first time driving on it after it reopened, I swore I could see the exact spot where it claimed half of my front bumper last year,” she said.
According to scientists at UCCS, examination of the surrounding asphalt revealed that Union’s cracks had gone undisturbed. Multiple researchers in the geography and environmental studies department reported that the rock layers still held the fossils of brake-checkers-past.
Senior geology minor Rock Rimmon concluded that the construction shutdown on Union was for preservation purposes. “I think it is a part of Sennifer Jobanet’s initiative to restore potholes on campus. They are maintaining Colorado Springs’ natural beauty,” Rimmon said.
As of writing this article, they have shut the damn road down again.
Photo courtesy of Jamie Street on Unsplash.