At the SGA meeting on April 13, junior dual theater and communications major Wyatt Stout staged a 14-hour filibuster. Attributing his stamina to his degree’s focus on long-winded communications, Stout was able to hold the floor on his own for the entire stretch.
Stout was protesting a resolution to demolish the parking lot and replace it with a go-kart track. “Go kart racing is a more accessible sport for our student body,” SGA president Harson Codges said. “Plus, we don’t want to give people more parking spots. We have enough.”
Stout arrived before the final vote was taken on the resolution, ensuring that each member of SGA must sit for the filibuster. Codges made no attempts to eject Stout from the meeting.
“It’s our job as student government to ensure the first amendment is protected on campus. If that means I have to sit through a 14-hour filibuster, so be it,” Codges said.
Instead of addressing the proposed resolution, Stout spent the first five hours of the filibuster explaining the plot of the nine episode “Star Wars” saga.
Attendees at the meeting expressed concern for Stout’s health. “That guy didn’t pee for 14 hours, I wonder if he is OK,” said sophomore political science major Aman D’ment.
At hour 13 of the filibuster, Stout took his first breath. This interruption in his speech allowed Codges to ask him his specific objections to the proposed resolution. Stout seemed confused by the question and allowed the resolution to be explained to him.
After the proposed resolution was explained to him, Stout decided to cede the floor. “I love go-karts, man. I think this will be a positive change to our campus,” Stout said.
Stout seemed to misunderstand the political importance of filibusters. “I didn’t mean to hold up their meeting … it’s just … dating apps aren’t working anymore,” Stout said, “I thought I might get some exposure through a “filibuster.” If it’s good enough for Senator Cory Booker, it’s good enough for me.”
The meeting continued as scheduled at 9:30 am. The go-kart track is set to open in Fall 2030. The existing potholes will be preserved for character.
Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.
The clock tower. Photo by Lillian Davis.