The appearance of a second moon in the sky prompted UCCS Facility Services to decide that the cosmos is aligned enough to fix the campus elevators once and for all.
“We were just waiting for a sign that this decision was truly ordained by fate,” Maintenance Manager Azstrál Projyckzión said before beginning work on the elevators. “There’s no point in fixing things if it is not in the universal narrative flow.”
When asked why students needing to get to class was not a sufficient reason to fix the elevators, Projyckzión said, “Those classes were not written in the heavens. As Isaac Newton was inspired to act when he saw the earth orbiting the moon so many years ago, we shall not be inspired to go to class until we see the second moon directing us to tap into the flow of the galaxy.”
It was later revealed that Projyckzión did not actually know who Isaac Newton was, as he was unable to make it to class on the second floor of the Engineering and Applied Sciences building.
The moon has affected campus in a myriad of other ways, such as causing tidal waves in the pool to the excitement of surfer students and shedding additional light on the three attendees at a lacrosse game.
Scientists are also tracking the emergence of what are being called “superwerewolves,” or werewolves whose already considerable strength and lust for violence are increased by 0.000009499%, in proportion to the size of the mini moon compared with the standard moon.
“This is really good because working elevators mean people can get away from the werewolves more easily,” Projyckzión said. “Everyone knows that werewolves’ supernatural strength and speed means there’s no point in taking the stairs. Before this, we really didn’t have a reason for the elevators at all.”
Upon learning that the second moon is actually just an asteroid, Projyckzión was heard to comment, “Oh, never mind,” before dropping a wrench down the elevator shaft and returning to lunch.
Graphic by Neako Hallisey.