Spring flowers: the academic review

It’s spring, and we love that. The sun is shining, the grass is still pretty dead and everyone is panicking about finals. What’s not to love?

When choosing articles this week, I thought about how nice it would be to review some spring flowers popping up around town. However, with my signature poor timing, I pitched and assigned myself the article before any actual flowers happened.

I had a long meeting with my section editor, and she said she was unwilling to change my assignment because she didn’t feel like it. The conference continued until Paul walked into the Scribe office and asked why I was talking to myself.

Thus, I have decided to rate the things I did find outside based on how close they are to being flowers. The batch is not the best, but I did what I could in the name of journalism.

  1. Stick

I did not put this in the ground, I found it this way, so additional point. Made of all-natural vegan-approved materials. Trees are just tall scary flowers, and this is a small portion of that. 6/10.

A stick in the grass

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  1. Park Regulations

Ugly, restrictive, stops me from golfing and setting off fireworks. Flowers don’t do that; they just sit there and take it. It does stick up though, and it’s sort of planted in the ground. 1/10.

A sign in a park

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  1. Cotton fuzz

I suspect this to be made of synthetic rather than natural fibers, which is unacceptable in a park. I have it on good authority that dogs can and do eat these. Small and fragile, though. 3/10.

A white feather on grass

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  1. Mailbox

Follows the overall shape and structure of a flower. A lot bigger than most you would plausibly find, and a lot more made of metal, but a better find than most. 5/10.

A black box on a pole next to a road

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  1. Pinecones

Not too bad, but more painful to eat than flowers. Neat pattern. 7/10.

Several pine cones on the grass

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  1. Dog

Way off. 0/10, but I suppose I can spare 11 points for being a good girl.

A dog with a leash on grass

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  1. Olympians and Paralympians Among Us

Too tall, not plausible. 2/10.

A group of colorful objects in a parking lot

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