Squirrels: the academic review

It turns out that when you don’t pay close enough attention to work chats, people will decide what your next academic review will be and start sending you pictures of squirrels. Now, don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining, squirrels are great. I just wasn’t expecting an inbox full of squirrels awaiting judgment.  

I think it goes without saying that I know nothing about squirrels. When I see one, all I think is, “That sure is a funky little guy.” I’m not qualified for this — but that’s never stopped me before.  

To the squirrels (or at least the smart ones who can read): don’t be offended, tiny dudes. It’s nothing personal. Keep on doing your squirrel thing, as long as you’re not eating my plants because that is simply not a gamer move.  

I will also be giving you all new names.  

  1. “Truffles.” 

Located outside of Columbine. Good tail shape, fun little feet, head looks correct. Strong start. 7/10.  

  1. “Phil.” 

He reminds me of a quokka. They live on an island near Australia, and they always look like they’re smiling. Good attitude, Phil. 9/10.  

  1. “Señor Fluffytail.” 

I don’t trust guys who hang around by drainpipes – they’re always up to something. 4/10.  

  1. “Dean Martin.” 

Don’t hang out in parking garages, squirrels! They aren’t safe! You could get hit by a car and that would feel worse than a kick in the head. 3/10.  

  1. “Fabio.”  

This is a neat little spot. If I were a squirrel, I would hang out here too. 8/10.  

  1. “Vladimir Nikolaevitch Dostoyevsky.” 

We think this might be a squirrel. Either way, he has the high ground, so he wins by default. Also, he’s Russian so I don’t want to cross him. 10/10. 

  1. “Mary.” 

It’s hard to rate Mary because I can’t see her very well. Nearsighted/10.   

  1. “Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.” 

Oh shoot, I think this is another picture of Phil actually. 8.7/10.  

  1. “The Right Honorable Jimothy Kensington Foxworthy, Member of Parliament, and his bestie Skittles.” 

Plus a bunny! 20/10.