At the State of the Campus on Sept. 27, Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet announced the creation of a new office on campus: the Office of Stainability.
“I’m super excited to announce this very innovative office,” Jobanet said. “It definitely wasn’t a typo in my notecards. I don’t make mistakes.” Jobanet concluded her speech, ignoring several raised hands from employees in the Office of Sustainability.
Jobanet has appointed world renowned stain researcher Armin Hamor as the director of the new office. “We’re the only university in the world who has an office like this. I’m pretty sure that will increase enrollment,” Hamor said.
Hamor said the new office’s central responsibility will be to thoroughly dirty various surfaces on campus to test their stainability.
“Now, students will know the best places on campus to eat spaghetti without leaving any traces. This is important research,” Hamor said.
Custodial services is less enthusiastic about the new office. When asked for a comment, Head Custodian Anita Neuejob’s only response was a seven-minute-long groan that startled several birds out of a nearby field.
For research starting materials, Hamor requested 300 tons of ketchup, ink and paint, a 6,000-foot-long hose (roughly the length of campus) and all available stock of an undisclosed stain remover from every store within a 500-mile radius.
UCCS is reallocating roughly 80% of the budget to fund this new office. Because of this, UCCS has decided to merge the less important offices on campus together. The Office of the Registrar, the Office of Information Technology and the Office of Sustainability will now fall under one office, which will be called the Office of Registechnability.
Students requiring services from the merged office can speak to Director of the Office of Registechnability O. V. Wurkt, as she is also the only employee in the office. “I’m handling it really well,” Wurkt screamed over a crowd of students following her with pitchforks.
In unrelated news, the CEO of popular stain remover brand Arm & Hammer has reportedly depleted the company’s accounts and gone missing following a quarter of record sales.
El Pomar Plaza. Photo by Lillian Davis.