March 30, 2015
NOTE: This Article is intended as satire
In what appears to be a step backward for the university as it prepares to celebrate its 50th anniversary, sources confirmed that UCCS ranks amongst the lowest in state institutions alphabetically.
The university, where enrollment has grown over the last several years and has made headlines for becoming one of the state’s fastest growing and greenest campuses, now marches into unfamiliar territory as the news first broke to staff and students via Twitter.
“I don’t think anyone of us saw this coming,” dean of students Ikud Careless said. “We’ve made strides in trying to keep our students happy, providing the best experience both in the classroom and out in the work field. This is a major black eye to the campus as a whole.”
Some notable institutions that performed significantly better than UCCS alphabetically include Adams State, CSU-Fort Collins and CSU-Pueblo, Mesa State and even sister school CU-Boulder.
Other two-year organizations across the state were also ranked better than UCCS, including Pikes Peak Community College and the Community College of Aurora.
“It doesn’t surprise me,” undecided major Skip Dailey said of the sudden decline and ultimate stall of the university’s growth. “But that’s not saying much, really nothing surprises me. I just don’t care. Hey, are you going to finish eating that?”
The study comes at a time when UCCS is overhauling its campus to include more room for incoming students to live in dorms, as well as add more academic buildings for future use.
“I don’t even go here,” Dailey added before hopping on a skateboard and cutting off a university bus as it pulled in front of Centennial Hall.
“It’s true, he doesn’t really go here, we should probably alert someone about that,” another student disclosed shortly after the mishap.
At press time, staff and students milled over the news and were at a standstill as to what letter should be taken off first. Votes for the “C” and “S” were tied but progress stalled after a brawl broke out between a student and professor on which letter was least important.
Check out next week’s Scribble for coverage of the brawl.