Campus life can be complicated and convoluted, but there’s a crucial part of college survival no one talks about: where the good bathrooms are and where the bad bathrooms are.
At least no one talked about it until now. Here is my list of the five best and five worst bathrooms on campus, ranked on cleanliness, location, privacy and vibes. If you disagree with any of my opinions, then go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass “GO.” Do not collect $200.
The Best:
1. El Pomar Center bathrooms
The El Pomar Center bathrooms are always spotless, always empty and somehow don’t have the liminal vibe most bathrooms on campus do. They are easy to find, but most people don’t venture underneath the library to El Pomar. The counter space in the big stall has been a lifesaver for me on many occasions. You will never find a better public bathroom.
2. UC third-floor single stall
This bathroom is clean, spacious and has great vibes. Great mirror for selfies, good lighting, silence while you take care of your business. What’s not to love? It’s a little out of the way, but it’s worth it to take the elevator up from other floors to use it.
3. KFL single stalls
These are on the second floor of the library and so, so clean. They are close to the staircase, which makes them easy to find. There is a lot of privacy in these bathrooms, but they are on the quiet floor, so I am still afraid of every sound I make in there. The color scheme of these bathrooms makes the vibes a little depressing.
4. Ent Center bathrooms
Privacy is a myth here if you go during any kind of event, but these bathrooms always manage to stay clean. They are easy to find, spacious and there is counter space by the sinks (hallelujah). There are so many stalls that it is rare to find a line here.
5. Anschutz Engineering Center bathrooms
I’ve never used these bathrooms, but the building is brand new, so they have to be nice.
The Worst:
1. University Hall bathrooms
Just like everything else in and about this building, it is impossible to find these bathrooms. I’m pretty sure they don’t even exist. Vibes of the whole building are a solid -10/10, so as far as I’m concerned, these are the worst on campus.
2. UC first-floor bathrooms
These bathrooms have this strange musty smell that makes me want to puke every time I go in there. They are easy to find, preventing them from being dead last, but the vibes are so strangely liminal that I may as well be in the Backrooms.
3. Columbine bathrooms
At a minimum, half of these toilets will always be clogged, and there will almost always be a line. Somehow, those bathrooms cause every slight noise I make to echo like it’s the Grand Canyon. The vibes are, once again, oddly liminal, and privacy is nonexistent. I would avoid these bathrooms like the plague.
4. UCCS Farmhouse
These are always clean and easy to find, but the vibes are very strange and the locks are confusing to me. They are private bathrooms, but the whole Farmhouse can smell it if you go number two.
5. Academic Offices building
The bathrooms in ACAD, at least on the first floor, have a keypad on the door that only professors get the code to. Apparently, it is unacceptable for me to pee in the same bathroom as the professors whose salary I pay with my tuition. UCCS really wants me to trek to Columbine every time I need to take a leak.
Editor’s Note: Men’s restrooms were not evaluated in this article; however, those are truly the worst of the worst.
Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash.