Despite the ongoing budget crisis, UCCS has been selected as the backup venue for the Winter Olympics should the location in Milan, Italy fall through.
Deemed the most expensive thing you can host, UCCS officials jumped at the opportunity to lose the money.
“There will be cuts surely,” said Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet, “but the Jamaican bobsled team will be in Berger Hall!”
With budget cuts on the way, officials seek to provide faculty with t-shirts. The front will read “I worked here for two decades and all I got was this t-shirt.” The back will brandish the Olympic rings and the 2026 Winter Olympics motto “It’s your vibe.”
Athletes will be hosted in the empty dorms that make up the entirety of campus. Athletes in Alpine Village are expected to walk to Summit, should they feel the need to eat. The world-class athletes will receive access to the least broken vending machines UCCS has to offer (for weekday events).
Ice rink-related events are being moved into the basement of the library, where a broken water fountain will be allowed to leak and freeze all over the floor. All skiing and snowboarding events will be held on the dirt lot.
“Will we lose some good people in there? Of course! But if you want to make an omelet, you gotta try really hard, and crack as many eggs as possible,” said Sobanet.
The closing ceremonies will be held in the student life lounge.
UCCS on stand-by to host the Winter Olympics. Edited graphic by Josiah Dolan.