Accommodating. Obedient. Dutiful. These were all messages that defined how women were taught about their gender, according to the attendees of MOSAIC’s workshop, titled “Body Reclamation and Empowerment: Unlearning the Effects of Patriarchy on the Body.”
In collaboration with Feminist Club and Sisterhood, MOSAIC hosted sex coach and former UCCS visual art teacher Jessica Langley in a discussion and somatic workshop. Langley facilitated a conversation with the small group of attendees before launching into a guided body scan.
Before opening the discussion, Langley explained that the patriarchy creates a binary of gender expression. “In order to claim your full humanity,” Langley said, “it’s helpful to be able to understand how gender socialization has shaped you personally and impacted your self-expression and your choices.”
Langley provided questions to guide the discussion regarding gender socialization and invited participants to journal about their experiences or share them with the group. She started by asking when the women in the room became aware that society divides us into two genders.
Women shared memories of family members commenting on clothes or styles of dress as being too masculine. “In second grade, I wore a jersey to school at one point, and my grandma kept telling me, ‘That’s a boy’s shirt,’” one participant said. “I was like, ‘I don’t care, it’s comfy.’”
The group recalled shame, confusion and frustration the first time they were chastised for not fitting into their assigned gender, whether they didn’t act “lady-like” or chose the wrong toys to play with.
A second participant said she felt “good at being a woman,” but struggled to stop herself from seeking male validation. “I really don’t enjoy hanging out with men,” she said. “I don’t seek their company, but I seek their validation.”
Following her comment, Langley asked what it means to “follow the rules” of being a woman. Participants discussed how male validation, having a maternal instinct and being the objects of desire inform their feelings of femininity.
“It is feminine to be the object of desire, rather than to have desire,” Langley said. “Can you be self-expressed in your desire, and is that seen as being feminine or masculine or just human?”
Langley directed the group to discuss times that they had been told they were not acting “as women should.” A third participant shared how deeply her mother wanted her to be ladylike and attractive to men.
“I was very much a tomboy the whole time, but my mom really placed value on making sure [I was] attractive to men. She put me in ski lessons with the dream that I would grow up and marry some rich guy in Aspen,” she said. “She also had a dream of wanting me to be a Hooter’s girl.”
A fourth participant recounted her experience in drumline in high school: “I was the only girl [percussionist] out of all the guys, and so I got a lot of ‘Oh, well, she’s just trying to get attention from men,’ and [people would] slut shame me in that way, like ‘That’s the only reason she chose that instrument is to hang out with the boys,’ and that was difficult.”
“Shame is a tool of the patriarchy,” Langley said. “The purpose of shame is to keep people in line … but it dies in community.” Langley then asked who in the room had been slut shamed before, and all participants raised their hands. A collective chuckle was let out at the shared experience.
Langley used this to pivot to a brighter topic of conversation: the things worth celebrating about each participant’s gender expression. “The friendships, the connection you feel with other women-identifying people,” one person responded. “There’s no better place than being in the women’s restroom at a bar … I love that so much.”
The women also talked about how they have to speak and act so as not to offend anyone. Women are often expected to be agreeable, even in harsh conversations, something Langley called “tone policing.”
To close the discussion, the group shared some of the messages they received about how they should act for their gender. Some of these terms included “nice,” “girl next door,” “accommodating,” “desirable,” “obedient” and having a constant fear of failure.
Additionally, Langley asked about messages women received about how they are supposed to behave sexually. One participant said that she was taught “the end goal was only a man’s pleasure or a baby,” and another said, “Don’t sleep around but put out; don’t be a slut but also don’t be a prude.” Langley added that she never felt empowered to say no to things.
Following her questions, Langley led the group in a visualization exercise. With eyes closed, the attendees were led through breathing practice, including a three-part breathing method in which breath was channeled from the lungs to the belly to the pelvic floor.
During the exercise, Langley invited women to breathe into their “own essence, own aliveness,” before guiding the group through exploring sensations of touch. Participants moved around in their chairs to explore their senses.
Before participants were dismissed, the group came together for a moment of bodily affirmation. Moving from head to legs, Langley asked attendees to touch certain parts of their bodies and claim them aloud, such as “This is my head” and “These are my legs.”
Langley now owns Versicolor Coaching, which is a somatic coaching workshop that integrates talk and touch to help clients become more self-expressed and comfortable with their bodies and desires. “I believe pleasure is a birthright, and my goal is to rid the world of toxic shame,” she said. She also leads “platonic intimacy experiences” monthly with Edenology Holistic Wellness.
Editor’s note: Participants in this discussion consented to have their stories shared anonymously due to the sensitivity of the conversation.
Jessica Langley leads an exercise at the workshop. Photo by Anysia Hovel.