Bookstore items: the academic review

Part of the University Experience™ is going to the bookstore and picking out merchandise that shows off your school pride. The UCCS Bookstore is exactly what you could ask for from a college bookstore: full of expensive textbooks, hoodies and ramen.

We at the Scribble are fortunate enough to have our office right across from the bookstore, which means we can nip over whenever we feel like getting something important (usually Gatorade). Thus, we thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and rate some items found in the bookstore in the hopes that we can help students have an engaging shopping experience there.

This rating is also a departure from form in that everything I’m rating is actually available for purchase from the bookstore. You can buy all of this stuff. As weird as some of these are, this time it isn’t on me.

  • “Counseling.”

Crisis intervention strategies are good to know, but if I have to pay money to know them, the crisis can figure itself out. 6/10.

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  • “Koala.”

A staple of Australian wildlife, the koala enjoys eating eucalyptus leaves. (It’s an eraser.) 11/10.

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  • “The Fashionista.”

It’s a really nice shirt. It’s also $75, which is criminal. 7/10.

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  • “Owl.”

Universally recognized as a symbol of wisdom. 12/10.

  • “The Hottest Hat of the ‘20s.”

Sorry guys, I don’t get it with the bucket hats. 3/10.

  • “Rhino.”

Africa’s unicorn. 12/10.

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  • “The Art Professor.”

My college experience would simply be incomplete without this mug. 6/10.

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  • “Pig.”

Editor-in-Chief Annika Schmidt’s best boy. As he should be, he’s a king. You can also take these guys apart and put them back together. 13/10.

  • “The Telltale Card.”

Quoth my mom when I ask her for money for school supplies, “Nevermore.” 6/10.

  • “Camel.”

A desert dweller with a strong back and a heart of gold. 12/10.

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  • “Buying this was a happy accident.”

I didn’t have money for food, but I got some happy little trees. 10/10.

  • “Cursed.”

The erasers have officially gone too far. I was also informed that this is anatomically correct, but I haven’t checked, and I don’t plan on it. Absolutely not. -7/10.

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