Cougar reeks havoc at Clyde’s

Nov. 15, 2010

Cherise Fantus
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A string of cougar attacks on campus last week has left students reeling. A total of seven students were taken victim in these horrendous attacks.

“I don’t know if he’ll ever recover fully. I can barely recognize him anymore,” sophomore Kreg Sanders said of his roommate, Shawn Petty, 19, a victim of the attacks.

The cougar was first spotted outside of the UC, preparing herself to pounce. The intended victim was Petty. The eyewitnesses did not have a chance to react before she brutally attacked.

“I couldn’t move; she had me pinned,” Petty recounted with tears in his eyes.

Leaving Petty in a mangled heap, the cougar moved inside the building to Clyde’s, where she moved from table to table, leaving several victims in her wake. Among them were Lance Henderson, 18; Jeremy Willis, 20; Ben Logan, 21; David Cox, 18 and Preston Olsen, 20.

“It all happened so fast,” said Willis, “I was just enjoying my mini corndogs, when all of a sudden, there was a cougar all over me!”

She moved quickly, picking off victims one by one. Most of them didn’t even see her coming.

She eventually left, taking with her 21-year-old Stanley Hopper. By the time the police arrived at the scene, she was long gone with her prey.

Though she has not yet been found, police have been hot on her trail. A pink passion lipstick was found at the scene, which matched the markings found on the victims.

Police say she needs a lot of meat to satisfy her enormous appetite. They suspect she will be on the prowl again soon. Students should always be aware of their surroundings and travel in groups, if possible. Her intended victims are males under the age of 25, but females are also urged to be vigilant, as they may be in danger if they come between the cougar and her prey.