For many months now, the Olympic torch of The Academic Review has lain extinguished, waiting for a brave reporter to rekindle its long and bright legacy. For an equivalent amount of time, the UCCS phones have been down … and up … and back down again.
The Academic Review returns with a vengeance, bringing all the same grievances toward UCCS administration. After all, what else is a student newspaper for? As such, I thought it would be appropriate to smash the champagne bottle on the new Academic Review by rating some mass-email greatest hits.
All of those emails you couldn’t be bothered to open, the ones that blow up your Outlook inbox every day — don’t worry, I read ‘em!
1. NSE study away options in the Midwest
Just where I wanted to go! Points for “Ball State” though. Heh. 3/10.
2. Wellness Center healthy relationships virtual workshop
I love health, and I love wellness. But as a person who never forgives, forgets or revels in “the power of apologizing (prayer hands emoji),” I’ll pass. 6/10.
3. UCCS campus closure guidance
“During times when the campus is closed, all essential employees will report for work as required by their supervisor.” Yeesh! Can we add the right to make snowmen to our collective bargaining agreements? 0/10.
4. Farmhouse Friday-Brunch
Brief, to the point, zero notice for students, slightly ominous. 10/10.
5. Campus Health Notice
That was me guys, sorry. 4/10.
6. MA in Counseling Workshop Information
Picture taken in the backrooms, obviously. He’s right behind me, isn’t he? Clyde/10.
7. UCCS Career Connections — November 2025
Boo! Job application! 2/10.
8. CU President Todd Saliman: An Incubator for Civil Discourse
“Incubator.” What a horrible noun, Todd. Points for following AP Style with the commas though, you sly dog. 7/10.
9. CU Connections, Oct. 30 issue, is here
“CU system climbs to $12.2 billion in economic impact across state.” What wonderful news! Surely, we won’t lose all of our funding! What’s that? I’m making a complete what of myself? The most embarrassing thing you’ve ever seen? And now it’s worse because I’m repeating everything you say into the microphone? $0.08/10.
10. Service Interruption: Intermittent Phone Issues
No … no, surely not. It can’t be. Please, somebody help! Call the — oh. 10/10.
Academic Review graphic from Scribe Archives