Satire: Christmas is here

Devon Martinez 

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  In a recent and surprising move, our governmental and corporate overlords are canceling Halloween, Flag Day and Thanksgiving in favor of Christmas. UCCS students are confused, but the school’s administration supports the decision.  

     It is no secret that the decision was made for financial reasons. Every Christmas, shopping begins earlier and earlier. Sometimes the best deals are laid out a day after Halloween before the consumerism bloodbath we call “Black Friday.”  

     “Santa’s dropping off gifts beginning Oct. 1 and he’s not stopping until Dec. 31,” said one corporate overlord in a social media post earlier this week.  

     “The economy kind of sucked last year, and despite making a ton more money, my friends and I still didn’t make enough. So, it’s time to jumpstart the wholesome family holiday — and shop.”  

     President Joe Biden jumpstarted a bipartisan effort to officially change the date for Christmas for only one year to help the economy.  

     “I mean, come on man. Christmas is awesome. We can have it all year like if we want,” Biden said in a press conference Tuesday morning before his bedtime at noon. “I can’t wait to sit on Santa’s lap early this year — like September, man. I mean, come on man, this will be awesome.”  

     University officials are celebrating the bipartisan order. They see it as an excuse to charge more for parking and bathroom use, since the budget around Christmas always needs a bump due to the heavy celebration.  

     “We need the money,” said one official. “We are desperate. We only make 69 million a year from parking fees. That is not enough. Which is why UCCS is going to celebrate the holiday beginning October 1.”  

     Several students, specifically ex-goths and emos, are confused and angry by the decision; they feel as if it is an attack on their sacred holiday.  

     “It is the only major holiday that allows us to dress like we are in a My Chemical Romance video, just like we did in high school,” said chemistry major Jamie Halloween. “I literally changed my last name, because of how much I love that holiday.”  

     The editors of the Scribble are very angry about all of this because it still feels like summer!  What don’t you people understand about that? Put down your fall decorations and burn your Christmas decorations. Wait until the actual holiday happens to celebrate it.  

     BREAKING NEWS: Starbucks announced today that their PSL is no longer being sold, but their peppermint mocha and eggnog latte are now available everywhere for consumers to drink as they celebrate the holiday season.  

Art by Mike Foley.