Parks around town: the academic review

     The weather is getting warmer, and I’m told that’s when people like to go outside. Colorado Springs also happens to be full of neat rocks, and people like to go and look at them when the sun is out. If I were to guess, I would say that the sun helps them see the rocks better.  

     Either way, what do cool rocks need? That’s right — spaces to exist! And what’s a great place for a rock to exist? In a park! So, for this academic review, I will be rating parks around town based on a variety of different factors. For the record, I’m not just rating based on rocks. Parks are also good for hanging out in or whatever.  

     One more thing: after the success of the Places to Cry ratings, I wanted to mention that you can cry in all of these parks, too! You’re welcome.  

  1. Danville Park 

It sure is a park. Pretty boring as they go, but good space for a variety of activities, solid playground, close to campus. 2.5/5 stars.  

  1. Portal Park  

It has a pool! But there’s no water in the pool right now, which makes it a dumb pool. 1/5 stars.  

  1. Garden of the Gods 

Classic, timeless example of the beauty of Colorado Springs. The only problem is everyone else thinks so too. Point off for tourism. 4/5 stars.  

  1. Red Rock Canyon 

In the words of my friend, “Garden of the Gods for locals who know what’s up.” 5 stars. Except… If more people see how cool it is, more tourists will go there.  

You know what? Forget I said anything. It’s trash. 0/5 stars.  

  1. Nancy Lewis Park 

Nice water, awesome playground with lots of cool things that spin, good field to play group sports, volleyball court, and DUCKS! Point off for less cool rocks. I’ll redeem the point for the ducks. Then I’ll take another half point off because sometimes there are also geese, which everyone knows are just ducks if ducks were combined with swans and filled with hate. 4.5/5 stars. 

  1. Pike Park 

The only thing this has going for it is that one tree by the back, and you can’t even see which tree I’m talking about. I have nice memories here, though. Not even my dad can ruin this aspect of my childhood. 2/5 stars.  

  1. Acacia Park 

Kinda sketch. Creepy fountain. Ice skating rink with no ice, which I’ve already established I don’t like. It has a theater though, so point redeemed for the Arts. (By the way, I read all of these to my dad and he hasn’t told me to stop insulting him yet.) 3/5 stars.  

  1. America the Beautiful 

This has a good playground, but it’s a bad picture. It also has that one loop thing with the water. I don’t honestly know what it is, but I’ll give it a point for that because I appreciate art, like a cultured person. 3.5/5 stars. 

  1. Sondermann Park 

Neat nature reserve, but these benches are getting weirder and weirder. 4/5 stars.  

  1. No Trespassing 

I will go where I please, and where I please is the other side of this fence. 0/5 stars, for spite.  

  1. Median  

I love to have a wide-open space to run around, along with these real flowers that are very real. Take your kids, they’ll love it. 3.5/5 stars.  

  1. UCCS Campus 

Accessible, but makes you think about things like work and your future. No thank you. 1/5 stars.  

  1. Bridge on Garden of the Gods Road 

Metropolitan! Like the busy streets of NYC, in that there are cars present and the ground is made of asphalt. There are no other similarities. Photo courtesy of Google Maps. 2/5 stars.  

  1. Red Rock Canyon, part two 

Another picture of this awful place that you definitely should not go to. I liked the picture so I included it. 0/5 stars. 2 thumbs down.  

  1. Park 

I’m very funny. 12/5 stars.