Satire | All dining halls close, students live on box mac n’ cheese 

     In a harsh yet swift move, chancellor Jeff Bezos ordered all the dining halls to be shut down indefinitely due to budget cuts. According to the very gracious Bezos, the school is not profitable enough to be able to keep on with the dining halls.  

      Despite the move, students can still go to the bottom floor of the Clock Tower and pick up a box of mac n’ cheese. These are being offered to ensure students don’t starve, and because it’s the only food the school can offer right now.  

     Expectedly, students are upset by the actions of our very gracious Chancellor Bezos. Several are planning protests to combat the terrible policies, but they claim their argument is simple: Students have a right to eat.  

     “I don’t think it’s crazy to say students pay too much for the dining halls for them to not be in service,” said junior sandwich economics major Jim Smithy. He is also leading the protests, and has set up Instagram, TikTok and YouTube accounts to help organize and spread awareness of the issue.  

      Because the Scribble’s finances are tied to Bezos, we can’t link the social media accounts in this article. You’re going to have to look it up on your own, you lazy cows.  

     Anyway, he offered more to us about the protest and his crazy ideas about what student rights. At the Scribble, we know students deserve nothing but an education so they can be profitable soldiers in Bezos’s army.  

      The administration agrees that students have a right to eat, but that doesn’t mean that they can eat whatever they want.  

      “Just because we offer food, doesn’t mean you get to choose the food that we serve you,” said assistant to the chancellor’s assistant Justin McCheeseburger. “Do not argue with the hand that feeds you. We have too many boxes of mac n’ cheese at the local Amazon warehouse, so that’s all you will eat when you’re here. As simple as that.” 

      It’s as simple as that, so don’t worry about it. Just eat the mac n’ cheese and shut up.  

      Edit: A reminder that all students who dare to make fun of the great Chancellor Bezos will receive punishment.