SATIRE | DEI demands campus don kilts for St. Patrick’s Day

This St. Patrick’s day, UCCS administration caused a disturbance when the Division of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion announced that the dress code for the entire campus would change to mandatory kilts in honor of the holiday.  

The order was announced via an email sent at 9 a.m., after most people had already arrived on campus. Several DEI employees were tasked with traveling over the entire school and giving kilts to anybody lacking them.  

Students in the history department immediately reached out to administration with the complaint that kilts are Scottish garments rather than Irish ones, and that their mistake is reflective of a massive geopolitical conflict.  

“Mixing all of Ireland up with a country in the United Kingdom is a good way to piss off at least three countries at once,” history professor Claire McCarthy said. Following the interview, McCarthy had to email DEI to inform them that her last name is not spelled “MacCarthy.” 

DEI scrambled to change the Highland cow and unicorn memorabilia scattered throughout UCCS, a task made more difficult by the army of bagpipers they hired to play the entire day.  

While most listeners agreed that their skill was considerable, the combined noise of all the bagpipers shattered several windows and eardrums.  

Kilts continued to spread across the campus for the greater part of the day, although several students were reportedly lost to the massive lengths of flannel in the basement of University Center.  

“I just want my friend Katie O’Malley back,” sophomore Ashley Wallace said as she searched frantically through the pile of red and black fabric. “I don’t care that she’s from Dublin, we signed the peace agreement in 1998.”  

By about 3 p.m., DEI realized their mistake and began switching the plaid decorations with shamrock green ones. They festooned staircases with green streamers and closed the Scotch stations in favor of Guinness ones.  

DEI staff plastered leprechaun posters all over the walls and the same employees who had been carrying around kilts were now instructed to pinch anyone not wearing green.  

“At least it’s the right stereotype now,” McCarthy said.  

Photo via iStock.